When
I saw my daughter as an extension, I had only instructions. When I saw her as
an individual, we had conversations.
Parents always want
the best for their children. So, there is no question of doubting their intent.
But, many a time, enthusiasm gets the better of reason. So, as parents, we end
up doing things that are not in the best interest of our children. Because I did
not make it to the top Engineering College, I now want my child to make it
there to study Engineering when s/he may not even be interested in a career in
Science.
I must say that my
dad gave all his children the option to study what we wanted. He just spoke to
us on the importance of education and why it is better to get in to some of the
better known colleges. I never felt he was disappointed because I did not
take the profession that he had. Not sure what would have happened if I had
told him I want to be a footballer though.
The trouble starts
when the parent sees that the child wants to take a profession that s/he feels
will not make the child successful in life. And, of course, success is measured
in terms of how much money s/he can make.
In India, many
parents feel that if you study to become a doctor, engineer, chartered
accountant, lawyer and few other such professions, you are fine. Else, the
problem starts. I have met parents who are ashamed to say that their child is a
singer, dancer, pot maker, farmer, security guard, courier delivery boy,
plumber, driver, electrician, etc. Yet, over 90% of the people are not
professionally qualified. They are happy with a degree or something lower and
go about their lives. Yes, they may not make all the money, but they can live
decently and with heads held high.
Don’t get me wrong.
This article is not another one bashing money. In this world and age, there is
a need for money as it gets you the things that you need for a comfortable
living and also a feeling of security. It helps you pay for your child’s
education. And based on where we live, different professions pay you different
amounts of money. Such is life. However, we are born with certain
intelligences. If we choose a profession that plays to our intelligence (or
strength), we enjoy the work that we do. Does not mean we cannot choose another
profession. But, we may not enjoy it as much. How many engineers or doctors
became so out of their choice?
I was talking to a
driver and he told me how he is finding it difficult to get married because not
many wanted a husband who is a driver. I asked him as to what the problem was.
He told me that it is not the amount of money that he makes. Educated girls
(possibly degree holders) found it below their dignity to marry a driver. Most
time, drivers are school drop outs in India. These girls do not want to marry
an uneducated man. Added to that is the fact that they make lesser money. The
fact that he is a very nice human being making a decent living is often overlooked.
This holds equally good for women in low paid professions. There seems to be no
premium for being a nice human being!!!
Money, social status,
social acceptance, living comforts and such other external factors become the
primary drivers for selection of a profession and not one that plays to the
natural inclinations and strengths of the individual.
So, what happens when
we are faced with this situation? Not an easy decision. But, if we remember the
first sentence of this post that our children are not our extensions, it will
go a long way in clearing our thoughts. It would be good to talk through all
the options that the child has, her/his natural strengths and, therefore, what
professions will be suitable. It would be good to get the child assessed for potential
careers and let her/him choose one finally.
I
got a call from a friend one day and he told me how his son wanted to play
cricket and choose that as his career rather than continue studying beyond 12th
Grade. He had spoken to his son few times but it had not worked. His son felt
that if he made it to the top few in the Association that he played for, he
stood a good chance to make it to the Indian Premier League (IPL) and that
meant he was making enough money to manage. He wanted me to advice his son.
I had a meeting with
his son and told him the various options he had in marketing, in cricket and in
business management. I talked through the pros and cons of each of the options
and what he had to do to make himself successful in all these options. I also
made him articulate what are the risks related to each of these options. This
got him thinking. Once he was clear he made his choice. I believe that this is
a better way and it has worked for me quite a few times. Talk through the
different options with your child, give time for things to sink in. Talk on
working to an individual’s strengths and making a living versus doing something
to make money and then spending some time on your real passion. Talk on the
pros and cons…leave the decision to the child. These are decisions that the
individual has to take by herself/himself. But, this is so tough when it comes
to your child. If s/he wants to be security guard (and please don't mistake me
as someone who thinks that the profession of a guard is below one’s dignity)
and you believe that s/he could have made an amazing neuro surgeon making tons
of money, the struggle is very high. However difficult, it is best for the
child to make that decision.
I stood at the
airport and waved goodbye to my daughter, as she started off a new path in her
life. I felt a part of me was being ripped out. I felt choked as tears welled
up in my eyes. It took me back 31 years – I saw myself comforting my dad. He
had dropped me off at the airport. I was about to start a new life in a foreign
land. I saw him choke up and did not understand it fully. Today, as I stood at
the airport, I could hear him talking to me from the Heavens, “Son, this is
exactly how I felt 31 years ago.” Yes, children are not our extensions, but
somehow, life seems to intertwine us inextricably to them and as the bird
prepares to fly out, we just struggle. That is love and life. Each one of us
has a path and we must decide on that.
I will end with a
quote from an unknown that I came across in family.com “Our challenge as
parents and our privilege are to love the unfolding reality of our child, stage
by stage and layer by layer.”
