Control

Just think about it...we all want our lives in control and like to use various tools and methods to get ourselves organized - calendars, watches, reminder systems, diaries, etc. We wake up, exercise, have food, watch TV, attend conference calls, go to office, return from office, pick and drop children, etc. all to fixed schedules. What happens if we miss the schedule - all hell breaks loose and our day comes to a standstill. But, just think about it - what really happens if we miss something...nothing...we just re-organize and get on with life. 

I am sure many of you have fallen ill sometimes and just could not get out of bed. So, what happened on those days - nothing really...you didn't have an inkling the previous evening that you would not be able to get out of bed the next day. But then, it happened and things just moved on. Someone else got things that you would normally do at work done and life moved on. The organization that you worked in did not shut down.

What happens if we die? For sometime there is chaos in the lives of our family members and then life moves on. Do we control time of death? We don't. So, if we don't know what is going to actually happen the next moment, what do we really control? Absolutely nothing!!!

So, why bother and freak yourself out on something that did not work to your plan? Most plans are just that - plans - and things will, more likely than not, never go to plan.  I learnt this lesson from my lovely wife. She plans but lives by the day. So, if there are changes, her first reaction would be, "Okay, things have changed. What do I do next?" There is no fuss or drama "why the heck did this have to happen" or "God, great way to start the day!!", etc. Typically, I would go haywire screaming profanities. Now, I have kind of mellowed down and started thinking "what next?" This has helped me in being lesser of a control freak and more of someone who is willing to take change in my stride.

It is cliche to say "death is the only certainty and that we can die anytime" and "change is the only constant"...but we go on in life on the assumption that is exactly the opposite. And if any of these happen, we tend to believe or think that all is lost.

So, how do we factor these in to our daily lives? Easier said than done. Changes to schedules, etc. are easier to handle than falling seriously ill or death. Both death and major illness have significant impact on lives of others around us. My dad's death was sudden and completely unexpected. It happened in less than 2 minutes and in the middle of the night. Everything was over in seconds. Life changed completely and every plan that we had laid out carefully went straight out of the window. I still remember - I felt lost for the first 24 hours and then knew that I had to take charge of the situation. I did just that and over the last 13 years after his death, have learnt to live without having him around. It was a huge change for my mom and everyone else in the family. At the end of the day, life had to go on and we did just that. My dad had some plans and had discussed that with me few months before he passed away. All those changed. 

So, coming back to what I said before, "What do we really control?" or can we ask the question as, "Do we control anything of significance or do we just believe that these are significant?" Actually, most things that are really significant to us is really not under our control.

I am reminded of a Tamil song which says (my translation is not the best) "you are not able to choose your time and date of your birth or death, your parents, your face at the time of birth...think about it..you can, however, choose how to live as long as you live. So, take charge of your life and be a winner. If we choose to live a life that has smiles, honesty, good habits of living and reduced greed, we tend to make the best of what we have instead of always craving for what we believe is the best in this world...that "best" is always elusive and our greed always pushes us towards another "best". 

I have seen how we try and control our level of happiness. In our struggle to make ends meet and live our daily lives, we miss the woods for the trees. We struggle on work-life balance and, typically, our balance tilts in favour of work. I have seen many families struggle with this and try and live a happy life despite all this. I remember a dialogue in the movie Bruce Almighty where God tells Bruce, "The happiest of men come home stinking to high heavens. They hang their problems in the doorstep and then walk in."

What I have seen work has always been few simple concepts - reduced greed levels, leaving behind worries of work at the Office and developing a habit of laughing with our families. Many of us have even forgotten how to smile. And guess what, we control our smile!!!

Personal Courage in Leadership

"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage." Maya Angelou. I have pondered as to what makes a courageous leaders and I believe there are various pieces to this puzzle. 

Leaders need to face and manage situations head-on. Most people prefer not to confront. However, if we do confront reality, it becomes easy to assess the situation and take decisions. It is also necessary to be open and honest in communication and this communication should be both ways. Once honest channels are opened up, it is easier to manage expectations. It is also necessary to hold people and yourself accountable. Great leaders focus on accountability and leave the rest to their team.

One of my biggest learning has been leading through change. It is during such times that things go wrong and sometimes horribly wrong. As leaders, we need stand up to manage the situation, back our teams and ensure that customers are cared for. It is during such change situations that leaders are tested the most. As leaders, we are tempted to pass the buck on to someone down the line. This happens in various forms...from the "he did a lousy job" to "we could have handled this better if he was more attentive". 

A story of facing the heat during change goes back over 10 years. I was leading the Finance & Accounting back office and we had a situation where the unreconciled items went beyond tolerance limits significantly. The worst part is that we had not figured out why. While over 95% of the Operations was humming, it was this one part that hit us really hard. I got a global team engaged but it took us a month to understand the problem and actually take corrective action. During this time, we had a review of the Operations by the Corporate Controller. When it came to my turn, I showed him what had gone well and that we had messed this part up. I took accountability. I told him that we had not identified all the reasons for this issue but that we would by the end of the month and took 2 months time to fix the issue completely. The figure was a staggering $20 billion and there was a genuine worry that it would get picked up by auditors. My manager and his manager let me down in front of the Controller and, in fact, asked me questions in that review meeting. It looked like they were getting to know of this the first time, which was not the case. It was at this time that the name of one of my team members came up. Her absence and the fact that she could not spend time on picking up this issue came up for discussion. I quickly cut the discussion out and said that if there was anyone who needed to take flak, it was me. The Operations came under me. Something, fantastic happened at that time. The Corporate Controller stood up and clapped for me. He said and I quote, "In many years, this is one of those rare moments where I am seeing someone standing up under pressure to hold himself accountable." I walked out of the meeting feeling elated and also breathing a sigh of relief that I had not got the sack.

There are many such moments that each of us as leaders will be able to share. It is important to share these moments so that taking accountability comes naturally to others. It was also the personal courage of the Corporate Controller in my story above that stood out for me. He had to go back to the CFO and explain the situation, which he did. And, took the flak there for me. It is such leaders that make a difference to our lives. It is such leaders that we respect and are willing to support during difficult times.

Another aspect of courageous leadership is to have a team in which atleast 2 people can replace you at any time. It is essential to plan succession. However, it is absolutely essential to have atleast 2 people who are "ready now" successors. This means, you are hiring people who are capable of doing your job. This also means, these will be people who will challenge you, push back and you must have the courage as a leader to handle this.

Many a time we believe that courage is absence of fear. Courage is about overcoming fear. All of us have different fears. Courage is taking these fears head on and overcoming them.

“The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.” Robert Green Ingersoll. This is particularly important. It is not the number of times that you fall that matters. What matters is how fast you get up, dust yourself and move on in life. Personally, I have failed many times but that has never set me back. It has shown I am human and all that is needed is the ability to bounce back.

Life in shades of grey

When the end justifies the means, rot seems to set in. The Indian word "dharma" is out of the window. As they say, all is fair in love and war. And life seems to fall in between black and white...in millions of shades of grey.  Laura Schlessinger said, "When you are the victim of behaviour, its black and white; when you are the perpetrator, there are a million shades of grey." Even law, which is supposed to be black and white recognizes grey and has what is called the "golden rule of interpretation".

As for me, life is colourful. It has black, white, millions of grey and all the colours that you can think of. But, if I stick to grey for the moment, many of us struggle to live in grey and prefer black or white. I was thinking of the many things that have happened to me that are only in the shades of grey. Guess what, I seem to have enjoyed these moments. The more we think we are in total control, the more we realize that we actually do not have any control at all. The world around us is a bit of an "organized" chaos.

I had a situation where a colleague of mine who worked for me was going through a very difficult pregnancy. The doctor had asked her not to commute. Our back office operations needed her presence to ensure it goes on smoothly as there was just too much going on. I discussed the situation with my Manager who said that he wanted her in the Office or she needed to leave. I thought through and decided that I will let her work from home and then cover up for her at office by putting in extra effort. Due to tremendous work pressure, I let that fall through the cracks and ended up in a situation where the Operations got adversely impacted. I still remember the tough times that I had to go through as a result of this one decision. The decision was should I go with the organization that I work for or with the human being that worked for me or try and find a balance. I chose to find a balance with the primary focus being on the human being who worked for me. It went wrong, though for different reasons. But, if you ask me now as to what I would do, my answer will be the same. I will give her the leeway to work from home but will also have someone sitting at office, help her fill the gaps.  Like this, we take so many decisions daily that are not black or white but in various shades of grey.

Another story I can remember is a hurricane hit US and one part of the country got battered. Most parts of various cities in that State were in water and there was no power for almost a week. I had a staff member working there and it took us few days to get in touch with her as all telephone networks were also down. Finally she came on line and said that she had to shift to a hotel and was lucky that she could get a room. She had logged in and contacted us after getting in to the hotel. The policy of our company was that we will help in all ways possible but we would not be able to take the cost. In this case, I decided to go pick up the tab and told her to work from the hotel which she did and we managed to get some important ground covered for us at Office while she got the bills paid for. Yes, the policy did not allow it but that is why organizations have leaders/managers. We are there to interpret these for the good of the organization and the individual concerned and ensure that we do what is best under the circumstances. Here is where common sense and life experiences matter.

I remember another story at the Bank that I worked with. We had issued a credit card to a customer (this was way back in the 1990s before mobiles came in). As the customer was checking out of a 5 Star hotel (in which he was staying for the first time), they swiped the card and for some reason it kept coming back with an error message. The customer called our branch and it was well in to the evening and I happened to be at the branch. I picked the phone and heard him out. I then spoke to the Hotel Front Desk Manager and tried to convince him that we will honour the payment. It did not work. I had to then help the customer by taking out money. I could not draw that much amount through the ATM those days. So, I drew out whatever amount I could, took the permission of the Branch Manager and actually took money from the Bank's Account and went to the hotel to pay off their bills. Even after 20+ years, this customer calls me to check out how things are going with me. He says that he cannot forget that day and he is still the customer of the Bank. I should actually thank the Branch Manager for taking a pragmatic decision in favour of the customer and doing that after getting a good understanding of the risks involved. 

When you go out of the way, grey zones start applying. They put you at risk of losing a job or a relationship or some such thing. They also work like a charm and create ever lasting relationships both personally and at work. Again here, it has a lot to do with applying common sense.

It is living in these grey zones that make our lives interesting. Else, our lives can be replaced by robots because they would do a better job in ensuring adherence to policies or set processes/procedures. As I said earlier, it is because of situations that need use of discretion, common sense and interpretation of policy that organizations have managers/leaders. And, as Leaders/Managers, if we don't use that discretion or common sense or both, we end up losing our value both to the organization and the employee.

Life comes in beautiful colours. We somehow don't seem to notice these colours and would like to live in black or white. More often than not, we need to live in the grey zones for most part of our lives. If we do not recognize grey, we will find it difficult to live. As I always say, the more the straight lines and boxes we have in the way we live our lives, the more the curve balls that life will throw at us.

Thrift

I was at a conclave of CEOs and heard the CEO of Wipro speak. He talked of how his company is recruiting trainees all over the world but first flying them down to India so that they can spend the first year in a village working with an NGO to implement projects. He said that NGOs are typically cash strapped and they find out ways to live within their means. He said that this was the best training that Wipro's trainees could get because they would get lessons on thrift.

My thoughts went back to my dad who always said that a Rupee saved is equivalent of earning two Rupees because the former was in your control. He taught me the basics of thrift. How to live within your means rather than finding ways to spend and then trying to figure out how to earn to match the spends.

I have seen many companies invest and expand, hire people and find that the cost structure has suddenly become very high. They, then, figure out ways to scale up and if that does not work out, start scaling down. How many times have you faced a situation where travel is frozen or hiring is frozen or there is a layoff of people.  All this is because, we do not follow the principles of thrift when plan expansion. Thrift is all about spending carefully or managing your self in a way that your future spends match the future flows of income. It is about valuing every Rupee or Dollar that you have in hand and figuring out what is the best use of it.

"Industry, thrift and self-control are not sought because they create wealth, but because they create character", says Calvin Coolidge. This is absolutely correct as thrift is all about self-discipline. Thrift is not about seeking out the best bargain that is available. As Sydney Carroll says, "A bargain ain't a bargain, unless it is something you need." Thrift is all about self-restraint and steadfastness to weigh all expenditure and savings. It is about being able to divert your resources to what is meaningful to you.

When you are managing an organization, thrift is essential so that you prioritize resources. However, this can cause problems as people do not know why you spend on certain things and don't on others. These "others" may be the things that some people in the organization want. As in everything else, communication is key to thrift. You need to communicate appropriately across the various levels in the organization as to what you want achieved and why you are directing your spends the way you are doing so. That helps level set people's expectations and also improves employee and customer satisfaction.

Many years ago, I was invited to an all-employee meeting of a company. This was a new company set up in the outskirts of the city and was going through its initial year of start up pains and pangs of growth because business was coming in. So, they were continuously hiring but the work load was far too high. As the Managing Director addressed the team, he spoke of the vision and the goals/targets. During question hour, someone asked him if he would consider providing transport facilities to employees as this office was in the outskirts and public transport was not great. To which the MD responded,"Our company is not in the business of transport".

I was surprised at that response. This MD was a fantastic person. He was thrifty. He respected money and resources and used it carefully. So, a statement like this from him surprised me.I still believe that the communication could have been done better. He could have explained the situation the company was in and that it could not afford providing transport facilities at that point in time. He could have ended stating that he understands the lack of public transport but is not in a position to help as he needs to manage his resources to meet the needs.  Actually, this is exactly what he wanted to convey but ended up stating something else. So, what you convey and how you convey it also becomes essential for employees to understand why you are doing whatever it is that you are doing.

Being frugal or thrifty does not mean cheap. It is about being wise in the way you spend and how you reduce waste. As you reduce waste, you find out new ways to save and invest. It brings about self-discipline and restraint in whatever you do. You start looking at things differently. You enjoy and simple things in life. Most importantly, you channelize your resources in to things that matter to you in life.

Punches, Counter-punches, Communication and Development

Its a blistering hot summer in India this time....and guess what, it is not just the Sun that is providing this heat!!! It is election time and all politicians are at their best....I am following the campaigning, the strategies and tactics used by various political parties, the punches and the counter-punches, the possible poll alliances and also the various pre-poll surveys that are taking place. It is absolute fun time. The largest democracy in the world is going in to voting season.

After years of neglect, various roads have got paved in Bangalore. Not sure where the money came in now as the Government has been complaining that there is no money....election time is always magic at its best!!!

While it is good to watch and listen to the theatrics and the various punches and counter-punches that politicians throw at each other, the pre-poll survey shows that most people are worried about inflation, the lack of job creation, lack of growth and development, corruption and the impact all of this is having on their day to day lives. They want to vote for someone who is decisive and someone who will lead the country towards better growth and provide better job opportunities and livelihoods to the millions of Indians who are struggling for a decent living.

I was thinking through as to why the people returned Dr.Manmohan Singh as the Prime Minister with a better majority in 2009. His first innings (2004-2009) was good but not great. However, he had managed to capture the imaginations of millions of Indians - promising them a new style of growth for the economy, a breakaway model for employment generation and why inclusive growth was essential. The Indians loved it. He has delivered to some extent on some of these. However, these have been overshadowed by the lack of decision making, the corruption scandals that have broken out, the fact that India has not grown fast enough, galloping inflation and, of course, the total lack of governance. One more issue that has affected the government is the existence of 2 power centres - the Government and the Political Party itself. The Congress Party is, by nature, risk averse. So, they constrained the Government from making bold moves. Contrast this to the same Congress Party in 1992 when the then Prime Minister (Mr.Narasimha Rao) had the same issue during the first year, but managed to distance himself from the Party and arguably managed one of the best performing Governments in the history of India. Whichever party wins, the new Prime Minister will have the same problem and has to learn to negotiate this well. Negotiating skills will need to be sharpened. The ability to carry a large team along will be needed. The ability to strategize the change the country will be essential. A new kind and style of leadership will be needed - someone who is brave, willing to take risks, is decisive, willing to change the country, negotiate and ensure that the interests of the people come before those of the Political Party that he/she is part of.

There are 100 million first time voters in India this time. And what do they want? I was watching few TV Channels interviewing some of these first time voters....and there was a resounding blow to every politician - they were not interested in voting based on caste/religion/social background or age. They wanted to vote for someone who stood for development of the nation. Someone who will create jobs in the new economy. Someone who can bring inflation levels down. Someone who has the society in mind rather than his or her personal bank account. This was music to my ears....

The other fact that got my attention was how were political parties trying to reach out to these 100 million new voters and other younger voters in the semi-urban and urban areas. It was all about Facebook, Twitter and various other Social Media channels. Technology is all pervasive. The Political Parties not using these channels effectively were failing to communicate adequately. This was coming out clearly in the Surveys.

Various leaders in the current Congress Government have complained that the hard work done by them over the last 10 years has not been communicated well at all. In every profession, Communication is the essence and a key ingredient to success. Customers must know what has been done and what is getting done. The same is true for a Government too...in fact, more important in a democracy like India. Politicians have to go back to the voter every 5 years. So, communication is key and should be used as a strategic weapon...not a tool. The leaders who have been complaining about the lack of communication by the current Congress Government are absolutely correct. The Government has done various things but at the end of the day people judge you by the outcome. If the outcomes are higher inflation, slower growth, massive corruption and lack of decision making and combined with poor communication, then, it is a recipe for disaster. People have not heard the Prime Minister come out and speak effectively on various matters that have impacted the country over these last 5 years. This lack of communication from the Leadership of the Nation is sad.

While the punches and the counter punches are of great entertainment value, they serve more as interesting commercial breaks in a more serious drama enfolding. What people really want are bold and decisive leadership, jobs, growth of the economy, reduced prices, no corruption and lesser interference from the government in the day to day lives of the individual. I hope that the new Government is more focused on these aspects and the people of this country.

The Perfectionist

As he walked by his eye caught something that did not meet his specification. He wanted it changed. It had to be like what he had envisaged. He would not rest till it met all his requirements. His team was always worried when he walked in. They were never relaxed as something or the other would not meet his requirement. This time too they were tensed. The whole building with 2000 staff was put on high alert for his visit. They had spent weeks preparing the agenda and for the floor walks, what he would see, what the teams would tell him, etc.  They spent lots of time away from customer issues. They could never be their natural self. They just couldn't afford to make a mistake. As he walked in to office that Monday morning, his eye picked up a poster that he felt was not well formatted. Meet the perfectionist.

An organization tries to get used to the quirks of its leaders and it takes months, if not years, to undo some of these habits. I am not one of those perfectionists. When I moved in to a new role, I started by visiting various centres where we did our back office work from. Weeks before I landed in one particular centre (my first visit after I took over the role), I sent a message to the Head of that Centre as to what I would like to see and do there. I sent word that they should be themselves. I landed up there and what I heard was that the whole centre had prepared for weeks before I landed up. During that visit, I let people make and accept their mistakes. Explained to them how many mistakes I had made before coming to this position. Told them that the most important thing is to accept the mistake, rectify and move on in life. Within 18 months, I could reduce the time spent by staff preparing for my visit and more importantly they were not under pressure any more. They just tried their best and that was enough. They also knew it and so the visits became more enjoyable.

I have seen many perfectionists and while they bring tremendous strengths, they also bring with them a host of issues. These issues are sometimes very large and range from not being able to delegate, to subordinates always under pressure to the mood in the office just not being relaxed. No one is empowered to make a mistake!!! I use the word "empowered" on purpose. No one makes mistakes on purpose. And there are consequences to mistakes. However, to err is human and all of us do make mistakes. You just cannot be perfect all the times. So, there is no point thinking that we will work without making mistakes. If you do make a mistake, just rectify and move on. However, the perfectionist is unable to handle this and it causes significant problems at the workplace (and at home too).

The biggest fallout of the perfectionist is that he/she is unable to enjoy the journey of life. They keep moving from one issue to the other, struggle to delegate and though things are going fine, they are unable to sit back, relax and enjoy the journey. They agonize over everything. As Anne Wilson Schaef put it, "Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order."

The reason why a perfectionist struggles to delegate is that he/she wants things in a particular way only. There are no other alternatives. The perfectionist, therefore, struggles to trust someone else with the work. This really slows down the pace at which the organization moves. Agility is lost and so is trust.

Please don't mistake me, if you are one of those perfectionists. The world does need the perfectionist. You cannot do detailed oriented jobs without the perfectionist. You need someone who is worried about the quality of delivery and looks at all possible issues. You need someone who is managing risks. And all these are critical to the functioning of an organization. Just imagine a pilot telling you as you strap your seat belt, "Ladies and gentleman, we are about to take off. However, please understand that I am not a perfectionist and so am not sure how the landing will be!!!" As Barbra Streisand once said, "I've been called many names like perfectionist, difficult and obsessive. I think it takes obsession, takes searching for the details for any artist to be good."

Does this mean a perfectionist cannot head an organization? Of course not. He/she can head an organization so long as it is not really large. If it is large, there will be a struggle from various angles and it will cause more problems than solve.

Does this mean leaders should not search for perfection? My opinion is along the lines of what Salvador Dali said, "Have no fear of perfection. You will never reach it." I believe a leader has to be moderate in approach to everything he/she does. The leader has to build a team that he/she can trust and then delegate so that the organization moves very fast and is agile. I will end this post with a quote of Ashleigh Brilliant, "I am not perfect, but parts of me are excellent."

Timing your career

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." Michael Jordan 

As in the life and career of Michael Jordan, everyone goes through ups and downs and these ups and downs are needed to improve and grow in life and in our careers.  As someone said, "You will never appreciate the up if you don't have a down". It is, therefore, important to understand that in a long career that will span over 30 years, it is essential to time yourself, ensure that you give yourself time to mature in a role so that you can not only learn in that role but also contribute to the organization. 

It has become a habit for people to do a role for a year or two and then move on to the next. The old saying, "A rolling stone gathers no moss" is apt here. It is essential for people to do different roles. However, it is equally important for people to mature in a role. By maturity, I mean going through different stages in that role - learning the role, understanding the impact the role has in the organization and then contributing and adding value so that the organization gets the benefit of your learning curve. This typically takes 2 to 3 years. 

It is also essential to ensure that you time yourself in your career so that you reach the top of your capacity at the appropriate time. Each one of us is born different. Not everyone can become a CEO and that is not the be all and end all of life. It is, therefore, essential to understand our individual strengths, aspirations and where we believe we want to be in life. Then use that to start timing yourself. This is easier said than done. When you start your career at 23+, it is impossible to have clarity on where you want to be when you are 60 and how you are going to get there. This is why it is important that we have a mentor and as we go up the organization, we would end up needing a coach. 

In my career that has spanned 30+ years, I have moved across industry verticals and organizations. I have done various roles but given at least 2 to 3 years in each role.  This has helped me learn in each role and also contribute in that role so that the investment the organization has made during my learning curve on the role is paid back. I have also timed myself (though unconsciously at times) to ensure that my climb has not been too fast. It is fine to climb slow but if you climb very fast, it is also noticed that you come down quite fast or possibly burn out or fail in roles because you do not have the life experience to manage the needs of the role.  Many a time, people fail because they are not able to handle a new peer set as they get promoted.

Superior technical expertise on a role is treated as being enough to do a role. This is possibly one of the biggest mistakes we make while promoting an individual or while we ask for our promotion. We mistake superior performance in a role to be potential to take on larger roles. We also mistake superior knowledge of technical aspects in a role to be enough to manage the next role. Maybe it is and maybe it is not. So, here is where care is needed. More so, if the next role is managerial in nature. As we go up from a manager to becoming a leader of large teams, then, again it is essential to see if you can measure up to the role. The role could be demanding from a sales/marketing perspective, managing large teams across geographies, etc. All these need appropriate life experiences apart from knowledge of the technical aspects of the job. I have been asked a question whether I look for grey hair or superior performance. I say both. You need to know your job and you also need the life experiences to handle senior roles. 

The time to maturity in a role and also taking one step at a time in a career helps in managing adversity well. This was the reason I started this post with Michael Jordan's quote. It is essential to be able to handle the "downs" with as much equanimity and grace as you would the "ups". Personally, I have gone through ups and downs in my career. I have failed many times before I got to where I am. As I always say, “There is no harm in failing…just ensure that you don’t repeat mistakes. More importantly, just get up, dust yourself and run again.” To be able to handle the ups and downs, it needs patience and sound judgment. These come with life experiences. As in everything else in life, these experiences come at a cost. As Cal Ripken Jr. said, "A lot of people think I had such a rosy career, but I wanted to identify that one of the things that helps you have a long career is learning how to deal with adversity, how to get past it. Once I learned how to get through that, other things didn't seem so hard."