Losing the Self

My friend was rushing to the hospital. His brother had called him to say that their dad had passed away and that the ward boys in the Government Hospital were asking for the body to be taken out immediately. As he reached the hospital almost an hour later, he went to the mortuary and his dad's body was placed outside on the ground and the hospital clothing on his body had moved due to the wind and his body lay exposed. My friend told me later, "His body lay there unattended. I turned around and could see the huge office compound opposite the mortuary. Those were the very corridors that he had walked like a king when he worked there. He was the absolute authority there. And, today, he lay here unattended." His face had a sad smile when he remembered the scene and he said, "I am not sure of our identity. Who are we? One minute we are striding the corridors of power and in the next we are gone and lying unattended outside a government hospital's mortuary not even covered properly. This is the irony of life."

We play many roles - child, sibling, parent, spouse, friend, employee, manager, leader, customer, supplier, etc. And, in a day, we play so many of them and some simultaneously. Most of the times, we are not ourselves. We are the roles that we play.

We make so many decisions that are for the good of others. Not ourselves. Some for our children, some for our spouses, some for our parents, some for our friends and colleagues and some for ourselves. If you look back and take stock, there will less of decisions that were for ourselves and more for others. And, still, people call us selfish!!! This is true for most of us in lives. How many of us have not taken a role that was a promotion because we would have had to move and that would have caused a disruption in schooling of kids or the jobs of our spouse, etc.? How many of us have given up a job because we wanted to focus on our children as they grew up? How many of us cannot recognize the face that we see daily in the mirror? How many of us have heard our friends say, "Are you the same friend I had in college? You were such a firebrand and my role model. What has happened to you now?" How many of us have lost the idealism that fired us up every morning when we attended college or the first few years at work?

I had conducted a workshop in India with ageing parents and they complained bitterly on how their children were asking them to move out of their home town or the place they lived because they were either getting transferred or moving jobs. Most of them opined that for few extra rupees their children were uprooting everything and moving away. An hour in to the conversation, I asked them as to how many of them had transferable jobs, had moved jobs, had left their home towns, lived away from their parents, etc. Over 80% of them had. I asked them then why were they now asking their children to give up opportunities in their careers just because they (the parents) did not want to move? I asked them as to why they were not moving in to old age homes with full facilities (as these are now available in India) instead of complaining? Neither did they want to move to an old age home (somehow it is seen as a taboo in India - that their children have abandoned them) nor did they want to move out of the places they lived in currently. I asked them if they were not being selfish and not letting their children live their lives the way they (their children) wanted.

Given all these pulls and pushes, we try and find ways and means to satisfy as many and in the process, lose the self in us. Many a time, we are unhappy with the way life is because, for example, we gave up our job/career for our child. There is nothing wrong in doing all this, but it cannot come at the cost of our happiness. If we decide to find happiness in our decisions, then, nothing seems right or wrong. It is only right or wrong for that individual and that too at that point in time.

So, what should we do to not lose the self in all this and yet be someone who is not selfish? It comes down to ensuring that we have time to ourselves every day for reflection, relaxation, exercising, indulgence, etc. It comes down to respecting our own feelings and having open and honest conversations about them with our family and friends. It comes down to taking difficult decisions on various aspects of life that may not be what some in your family want. Easier said than done is what most of you reading this post must be thinking. I will share with you as to what has worked for me. It is discipline, confidence and honesty. We need to set apart time for some exercising, reflections of the previous day or what you want to get done today, sipping a cup of lemon tea,...preferably, all of them!!! What has also worked is having those honest conversations. Even if things have not gone my way all the time, it has always worked out where conversations have been honest and reconciliations are done. It is  essential that we do not lose confidence in ourselves in the process.

Honest conversations are essential. If we do not do this, we do ourselves and the people with us (family and friends) a huge disservice. It is such conversations (though extremely difficult at times because of emotions involved) that will help us from losing ourselves and others around us. If we cannot be true to ourselves and our family, who else can we be true to? At such difficult situations, I have found it better to tear away the mask that I wear and be honest and open.

Such is life. Many a time, we need to search hard to find ourselves. “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” ― Nelson Mandela

Leaders take risks

My Chief Operations Officer (COO) walked in to my office one day and said, "We have a situation. There seems to be a systematic credit card fraud possibly happening with small amounts being drawn daily. We are not sure yet and need to investigate. However, we need to stop possible losses and so need to stop certain types of transactions with immediate effect."  Sounds familiar to you? As a Leader you are in a situation where you need to take a decision but do not have all the information to do that. You could take a decision that could adversely impact business and guess what, it could be a wrong decision. 

This is what leaders face everyday. They need to decide without all information or data on hand. This is a risk. Not taking a decision is, in itself, a decision and, therefore, does not reduce the risk.

Many a time, we take decisions that go wrong. We end up facing the consequences and over years we start becoming risk averse. While organizations keep telling us that a vital ingredient of leadership is the ability to take risks, there is very little tolerance for errors in judgement. So, leaders become risk averse over time and some even reach a stage where they just don't take risks. This puts them, the organization and the employees at a greater risk because normal decisions that should have been taken, just don't get taken.

The previous Indian Government is a classic example. Stung by criticisms and asks for resignation due to so many scams that erupted, the government machinery just came to a grinding halt. During the last 3 years, absolutely no decision was taken. The ruling party got hit so badly that as they started campaigning during election time, we saw the same defensiveness and inability to take even calculated risks. The result was that they lost very badly.

I was staring at the new contract that we had signed up for a back office operation. It was a marquee account but if we didn't change our operating model, we were not going to make money out of it. I had called for a meeting of key leaders and we looked at the contract and worked on different options. What came out clearly was that we had to look at a totally different operating model for this account. A model that we had not tried before and were not sure will deliver what we wanted. Given the unknowns, we were also worried whether the quality of service delivery will be as good as what it was. So, the risk was one of damaging a great reputation that we had built over the years. As I thought through the pros and cons, it became increasingly evident that if we ever needed to make a profit out of this contract, we needed to change the model and we could take a calculated risk. So, I spoke to my operations manager, HR and my immediate manager. I told them that I was willing to go ahead with adopting a new model given that was the best for the organization at that point in time. I pushed on and we went through with changing our operating model. It became a huge success and became the model for some of our other contracts too. It was not an easy decision and making it happen also was not easy. However, with team work, we managed to pull through successfully with the model.

Sometimes, our decisions go well and sometimes they just backfire. If we are able to get 80% of our decisions right and limit the damage on the other 20%, we come through as successful leaders. No leader has reached a position of leadership and stayed there without taking risks. It is how the leader continues to take those risks and take decisions in the best interest of the organization that matters. Most importantly, leaders must be able to live down their errors of judgement and move on. If they are stuck at a wrong decision, life comes to a standstill and does not do good to anyone, especially, the leader.

So, let us be that leader that takes risks understanding fully well that there are consequences to wrong decisions. Not taking a decision is also a decision and carries with it far more risks!!!

Aham Brahmaasmi - The Creator is the Destroyer

A blog that I published earlier on Linked In

The manager spoke and the team listened with rapt attention. She was a fantastic orator. She conveyed what she had to in few words and most of the time it hit home. They all knew that the organization held her in high esteem as they did too.

It was late evening but he was still at work. His manager had told him to stay back as she wanted to meet him after her team meeting. He knew it would be late in the evening before she came back from the meeting. But, something in her voice made him realize that it would be a career limiting move if he asked to re-schedule the meeting. So, he waited patiently.

He had started his career with the company twenty two years ago. He had enjoyed his stint here till this new manager came in to his life a year back. Over the years he had learnt to navigate the company well, survive the various changes and manage to turn in a decent performance year after year. His teams had liked his approach to work. He was an expert in his field. There was none within his organization who knew the job as well as he did.

This expertise was gained over years of reading and working in the field. He knew very little else apart from this field. He liked the work and the field of expertise. However, very few companies needed a skill like what he had. So, to a large extent he had limited career choices. Given that, he had carefully avoided passing on all knowledge to his team members. He had set up the team in a way where no single person would get the entire knowledge. He did not rotate roles in a hurry. So, many people had quietly moved on from their roles and did not want to work in the team.

This new manager of his had latched on to this. She was pushing him to cross train his team. She was pushing him to create few successors. The opening of the door brought him back from his thoughts as she walked in. She quickly greeted him, sat down and took few gulps of water. She was looking a bit tired but quickly got in to the groove. “What’s happened to our previous discussion? I had asked you to create few successors.” He responded stating that he was doing so but given the complexity of the job, the technical nature of the role and the relative inexperience of his team, it would take some more time. “How much more time?” she asked. He hesitatingly said that it would take few years. She lost it and screamed, “Do you know that you have now become a blocker for your team members? Top talent do not want to work for you because they do not see a career path. You have not grown for years now and seem to be contented with it. This has become a problem for the organization. I will give you six more months and if I don’t see a successor I have decided to bite the bullet and replace you.”

Many a time we create situations like this in our lives. Knowingly or unknowingly, we become blockers in the organization. We don’t re-skill ourselves so that we can stay relevant. We refuse to see the shifting sands. As a good leader or manager, your job is to de-risk the organization and ensure that you stay relevant.

He felt as if the earth under him was moving. He just could not imagine a life where he did not have a job. He needed a job to keep the kitchen fires burning. He was in a state of panic. Coming from a manager who had the support of the senior leaders in the organization, he knew that he didn’t stand much of a chance trying to argue. He looked at her once again and she looked like an angry Indian Goddess with various arms and with a weapon in each one. She was ready to kill. She could determine his life. His survival strategy by not creating his successor and specializing in only one area (at the cost of the organization) was working against him now. Suddenly, she had become the creator “Brahma” and as she continued speaking all he heard was, “Aham Brahmaasmi” (Translated as I am the Brahman or I am God - The Creator is also the Destroyer – The God who determines your life).

A Positive Attitude is all that you need….

He jet set the world working for the Government and bringing about changes to the country during the 1960s. He then moved to the corporate sector and did the same during the 1970s till the 1990s. He was one of the busiest and active persons that I had met in my life. By early 2000s his wife was diagnosed with dementia and she started forgetting incidents and people in her life. He stopped everything and was fully focused on his wife. As age caught up, he was not able to drive around in the Indian Traffic and so decided to move to an old age home in the outskirts of another city. The new place had a nice house he could stay in with his wife and a caretaker. The Old Age Home had catering facilities and medical facilities. All these were needed for him so that he could focus his time on his wife. He is in his late 80s and married for 60+ years. His wife is close to 80 years.

I visited him few months back. I expected that I would see someone a bit depressed given his illustrious past. Out came a “young man” dressed in a colourful t-shirt and shorts and carrying a tablet phone. He wished me and was actually in great cheer. He told me how happy he was to see my wife and me. He then took me to see his wife. She was bed ridden. He would sit by her most of the day. As we got talking, he asked how everyone was at home and he remembered everyone by name.

Then I got to know how he spent his day. He had a detailed diary of what he wanted to get achieved for the day and how he went about it. It was completely focused on what he wanted to get done for his wife. He talked of how he had tried to make her walk. He would go one day at a time. For example, today would be for her to take 5 steps forward. He would encourage her to take that step and go for those 5 steps – step by step. And he had written that down. Every aspect of what he did was documented – her weight, blood pressure, pulse, etc. In short, he was totally immersed in her progress and was actively participating in it.

I did not see a bit of fatigue in him. When I asked why, he said, “Why would I feel tired when I do something that I love and for someone who I love so much?” This love had created a positive attitude in him. That kept him going and with such a cheer that I had not seen or experienced in my life.

Many a time we wonder why are we doing whatever we are doing? Our jobs do not satisfy us. The environment is not what we want. We have differences of opinion with our boss and wonder who made her/him a boss in the first place!!!! All this is a manifestation of how we are reacting to a given situation. We are happy or sad not because a situation has made us happy or sad but because we have decided to take it that way. If we decide to have a positive attitude, then, any situation can be handled. We need to have that confidence in ourselves. We don’t need to search for happiness outside…it is very much inside each one of us and depends completely on the positive attitude that we have towards life. Happiness is a choice!!!

The Race

A blog that I published earlier on Linked In

The stadium was noisy but not full. I could see my family. I was on the track with my bicycle. The referee started giving instructions but I was busy wearing my gear and making final preparations to start off, that I didn't pay attention. I had cycled around this track few times. The organizers had said that they would have something completely different. But, I did not see anything different that day.

The whistle blew and I was first off like a flash. I had left the rest of the participants way behind as I completed the first round and the second. I knew there would be someone to wave the checkered flag to tell me that the race was over. Along the way, I saw my family waving out to me and I waved back. The other participants were just too slow for me. Few rounds and I thought I saw the checkered flag and so stopped at the finish line.

My wife and kids had come closer to the finish line. I was shocked to see them. It was as if they had all grown older. When I started the race, my first child was 5 years old and my second one was 2. They looked as if they were 20 and 17 when I got back. Was something wrong with me? My wife looked older too.

I commented, "I can't understand why these other guys are going so slow? They seem to be more focused on balance, a smile on their face and going slow. Not sure why these organizers have allowed their families to be with them on to the track? Is this the difference they were promising?" Without waiting for a response from my wife, I continued, "Guess what, I fell down few times, got hurt, had to rest as my heart pounded too fast at times and my body is aching all over and I have some chest pain. I need rest and maybe need to go to the doctor."

As I was being rushed to the hospital, my wife said, "Wake up please. The organizers announced that this was a slow cycle race. We were frantically waving at you to read the banner that was up. You didn't pay attention to us. The person who finishes last wins. The person who is happy, has inner peace, has time for his family, etc. wins. It is not about coming first, going fast, not seeing our children grow and spending no time with family. It is definitely not about losing your health in pursuit of that elusive thing called success or winning."

I was jolted out of my slumber. I had run the race wrong. My children had grown older and I had missed not only their childhood but also their teens. I was not by my wife when she struggled to bring up our children. I was not by her when she went through her daily struggles. We were poor people living in the largest mansion. We had all the gadgets that we wanted. We could buy the most expensive of clothes and food. But, we had never found time to sit down as a family and have a meal together. I had spent so much time on conference calls and in the office.

I looked around a bit dazed as I came out of the hospital. The doctors told me that I had a heart problem and high blood pressure. The cholesterol levels were high. I needed to be careful or else it would result in a heart attack. I needed to watch my weight and put more focus on physical fitness. I was advised to slow down and reduce stress levels.

I woke up early in the morning and in all earnestness started my brisk walk. My wife accompanied me. Few minutes in to the walk, we fell silent. There were no common topics of interest and I could not hold a conversation for more than few minutes. It was then that I realized that we had drifted apart mentally and what held us together was the old love and our children. I decided to start working on our relationship. This was the most important relationship in life and there was no way I was going to let go. That walk was the start of a relationship building with one of my oldest friends with whom I had spent years and, now realized, understood little.

I got on to the cycle again. This time, I was more focused on balance and not speed. My wife and children came along with me. I had the old smile (that I always felt was part of my attire) back again. The smile came from within my soul. As I started to pedal, I saw few cycles whiz past me. All I could see were smirks on the riders' faces as they looked at me and wondered why I was cycling so slow and was on the tracks with my family holding my bike!!!. 

The Path - Part 2

Please read my earlier post - The Path - before reading this post  (http://ravi4corners.blogspot.in/2014/12/the-path.html). In this post the word "I" has been used more for ease of writing - it could be read as "You", "We", "S/he". 

I turned around from the temple and walked back. I began a new journey in the same path again. It was very dark and there were no lights. I was not carrying my mobile and so could not switch it on for light. There was a gentle breeze and it brought Belief with it. As I let Belief in, I realized that there was enough light inside me to light up my path and I did just that. It reminded me of what the South Indian Cinema Hero, Superstar Rajnikanth said, "En vazhi, thani vazhi" - translated as "My journey/path is a unique one"...Yes, everyone's journey is unique and only you have to decide it.

As I walked down the path, I was a totally different person. I had always believed that this body and mind was me and that it was there to experience this world around me. When I realized that I am not this body or the mind, I became a different vehicle altogether. A vehicle that included everything and everybody. A vehicle that let me understand that I was part of everything and everybody. A vehicle that lets the gentle breeze of belief in, that shines forth light and that steers through storms. I realized that this new me was going to make a totally different journey this time. Suddenly, all my past journeys in this path flashed in front of my eyes. I could see and remember every journey that I had taken on this path. I could remember and understand all the learnings from the various journeys that I had taken in this path. It was as though I had been on this path hundreds of times. The path became clear, there was no need for light and I seemed to know every nook and cranny.

In all my earlier journeys I had veered from the extreme left to the extreme right of the path. All of these were to ensure that the slush in the path does not dirty my trousers. This time I realized that I was in the stone and in the slush. That my trousers could not get dirty as I was in everything and everything was in me. So, I walked the middle path led by Belief. The path seemed different. I could see millions of other people in their journey. Funny, I had not noticed so many of them earlier. I was touching so many of them and they were touching me. I was talking to them along the way and some liked what I said and were in awe whilst the others moved on.  The different temples that I visited gave me different points of views and the learning was immense.

As I continued on the path, it took me to a garden. I had never seen this in my previous journeys. It was filled with flowers. Each flower seemed to have a word written on it. I bent down to read the words - I could find love, hate, truth, untruth, like, dislike, shallow, deep, God, Devil, good, bad...and the list continued. I looked at all the flowers. They were beautiful individually. However, I decided to sow a seed in the midst of them all. So, I selected a spot and searched for the packet in my bag. I found it. As I pulled out the packet to take out the seed, I saw the word "Belief" written on the packet. So, I took out the seed Belief and sowed it in the spot I selected. I am not sure how long it took to sprout...it seemed a long time. When it did, out came a beautiful plant with a flower. All of a sudden, all the other flowers circled around this flower and became a beautiful composite flower. Belief had brought love, hate, truth, untruth, like, dislike, shallow, deep, God, Devil, good, bad and all the other flowers together. It was one huge composite flower. It was then that I realized that each human being is like this composite flower. We are made up of these smaller flowers. We have everything in us. What we become, depends on what we decide to nurture and how we convert that in to action.

I was reminded of a story. One evening, an old man told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."  The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?" The old man simply replied, "the one that you feed".

During this journey, I had decided to feed the good wolf, convert my deeds to be constructive and sow the seed of Belief. When there was light outside, I enjoyed the journey. When it was dark outside, I decided to let the light from within shine forth. I had begun to understand that the light outside is because of the light from within. This new journey filled me with ecstasy and bliss…not just happiness. This is the bliss that I was trying to share with everyone I touched.

Time seemed too short for me to reach everyone in this journey. Somehow, I knew that there were and would be others who would take a similar journey in this path. As I turned the corner, I suddenly saw a bright light. It welcomed me with a wide smile and with arms open. I stopped and looked at the light. I turned around to look at the path and could not see one. I saw a temple had come up right behind me and blocked my view of the path. I turned back confused. The light gestured to me to look beyond the temple to see the path. But I could not find it. I decided to peer in to the temple that had come up so suddenly behind me and without my knowledge. As I peered in I was shocked to see an idol of me and many bowing down to pray.  I came out of the temple and the light was already there waiting for me with a large smile. It gave me a real warm hug as I dissolved in to it.

Look around and you will find cool dudes

The 13 year old woke up in the morning and instinctively reached out for her smartphone. Eyes closed she felt around for the phone. It was not there. Her mind raced – where had she left it? She could not remember. In panic she jumped out of bed. The phone lay on the ground. Smiling, she picked up the phone and the smile quickly disappeared. The glass panel was broken and the phone was not working.

“Mom”, she screamed, “What is going on in this house? Can’t I keep anything safe around here?” Her mom did not even respond. She stomped in to the kitchen and sat in a huff. “This is ridiculous. There is nothing safe anymore. The phone is broken.” Her mom reminded her calmly, “Please say, I broke my mobile.”

She approached her dad tentatively but with a smile and told him of the broken phone. He was busy on his laptop and, without even looking up, he replied dryly, “Leave it on the table. I will send it out for repairs. And, you are not getting a new one.”

It was evening and she was actually waiting for her dad to return. Her mom had a mischievous smile which actually irritated her. When dad came that evening he did not bring good news for her. “It will take another month to get back your phone. They have run out of stock of some parts.” Suddenly, a sinking feeling took over her. How could she manage without her phone? She turned around and asked her mom for her phone and got a prompt “no”. She did not have the courage to ask dad as she knew what the response would be. Her younger brother did not have a phone.

That evening, after months, the family was having dinner together at home. They had never sat at the dinner table together when at home in a long while. It seemed very odd for her. She looked around and, for the first time, saw the other three were chatting and laughing. She quickly got in to the conversation. It was amazing fun. Mom, her brother and she ganged up together against her dad. Being a sport, he just smiled it away and actually even had fun in the whole conversation. That night was not the same for her.

The next day she walked in to school and all her friends asked her as to why she was not on Messenger the previous night. She told them of the broken phone and the time she had with her family. When it came time to get back home in the evening the same sinking feeling took over her. She reached home and sunk in to the sofa set. She could hear lots of children playing outside. She peeped outside through the window. They were all playing. Was this not a game that she liked playing on her phone? She wished she had her phone. Her mom who came by called her and asked her to go down to play. Reluctantly, she followed her mom. She was shy to approach the other children. Her mom helped her get introduced to all the children in the ground. Within few minutes she was playing on the field. It was a completely new experience for her. Till now, she had played only in the confines of her home. Everything was on her mobile. For the first time, she was playing on the field. She was so engrossed that, at first, she did not hear her mom call out her name. Then, she looked around and gestured to her mom to wait for few more minutes. Those few minutes became an hour. This was absolute fun. When she got back home, she took a hot shower and came to the dining table. She was famished. That day was “get at her” day. Her dad joined in the fun and they all pulled her leg. She was such a sport that she could take as much as she could give. After dinner she completed homework, studied, spoke to her mom and her brother and was off to sleep.

One week went by and suddenly she was looking forward to playing on the field, eating dinner with everyone, spending the evenings with her dad, mom, brother and friends. This was so much fun. Yes, these guys were really nice people. There were so many nice people around.

Weeks went by and her dad came over that evening. He smiled and said, “Guess what I have got for you?” And, without adding another word, he pulled out the mobile phone. It was repaired. It looked lovely. But, she had a sinking feeling in her stomach.