History books and pride in our country....

After 18 months of going on steroids for a skin virus, I was told that this virus would remain dormant and strike as and when required. It will be around for 25+ years. Every time it strikes, it will be the same steroids. The side effects of the steroids were not worth the trouble. I looked around for alternatives and was told that the old Indian Medicinal system, Ayurveda, had a solution. So, after 3 years, I decided to meet an Ayurvedic Doctor. He took a look at my skin, felt my pulse and wrote out his prescription. He asked me to pick up the medicines at the counter in his pharmacy. I did that. I meet him every 2 months and have never had an attack since then. Don’t mistake me….I am not against the allopathy form of medicine. This true story is to convey that I had not had the courage to try out the Indian version like many of us in India….I wondered why?

A look in to the history text books in India will be part of the answer. When I studied history in school in India, I read it from two really thick text books. A small part in the beginning taught us the Indus Valley Civilization and then some parts of recorded history like the Maurya Dynasty.  The balance of the books (around 80%-85% of the books) were on the successive invasion of India by various tribes from the North West. I learnt how India was annexed by successive rulers like the Ghazni, Ghori, the Slave Dynasty, the Mughals and then the British. I learnt how we were kicked around in succession by various countries. I learnt all this in a foreign language (English). I did not learn the language in which all our original texts were written up – Sanskrit. Over a period of time, I learnt to appreciate everything foreign from clothing, to food, to way of life and also medicine. Nothing wrong in any of this….but I did not know that there was an India before all this…and that it was an amazing civilization. I am not giving this as an excuse but this is a fact for most Indians today.

It was not just me but my dad and his dad had also learnt only parts of the amazing civilization that existed. We all thought and believed that our great epics were fiction (mythology) and all characters were fictitious. I grew up believing the same. The Indian History Texts (Puranaas) talked of the Maurya Dynasty and the ones after that and I believed that part because the Greek Historians also wrote about them. I didn’t believe anything else that the Puranaas wrote on and recorded and they had a lot before these periods. I always needed a foreign text or confirmation on a fact about India before I believed it. I had lost pride in everything Indian.

Oppenheimer’s response to a question on how he felt having exploded the first atomic bomb on earth was the eye opener. He said, “Not the first atomic bomb but the first one in modern history.”….he clearly believed that the description in Mahabharata given on a device that caused destruction all around was actually the first atomic bomb in recorded history. And then, suddenly, Mahabharata was no more just a story book or long poem written by some Sage Veda Vyasa. It became a reality.  Even today, many of my generation and the generation before that and all after my generation still believe that Ramayana and Mahabharata are mythology.

I believe that it is time to re-write our history books, to re-introduce Sanskrit as a compulsory language to learn and bring to life what we have been thinking as stories. There is now enough archaeological evidence that our great epics were a good representation of the happenings of those days. In typical Indian style they were written in verses and the interpretation could be varied. The inner meaning was understood by few and passed down by word of mouth. This was the mistake they made. Information was not democratized.

Many temples in South East Asia, Middle East (as far of as Lebanon where an ancient pyramid has been found with a lotus carved in it) have Indian Architectural influence. The Brihadeswara Temple in Tanjore has amongst its various carvings, one carving of a European King and one of a Chinese Emperor. How, such an accurate depiction was possible seems to baffle historians as movement across these countries started only in the 1300s as recorded by history. Similarly, the Shaolin Kung Fu style of Martial Art seems to have travelled from India to China. Not that some form of martial arts did not exist in China before that. However, the Shaolin Kung-Fu style seems to be influenced from the Indian Form that the Indian Monk Bodhidharma took from India. He seems to have worked with various Buddhist Monks to help translate Sanskrit Books of knowledge to Chinese. These are recorded in history as in the period somewhere between 380 and 500 CE (or AD)…no one seems to have an exact timeline.

The work done by Indians in the field of Maths, Astronomy, General and Spiritual Well-being (Yoga), Medicine, is there to be seen. Only that we have not learnt the language and we have quickly lost that history and they remain as names that we recall now and then and say that they are great. These are the scholars that need to be studied in our history. This is the history that we need in our books in India….this is the history that should be for most part of our books. The last 1000 years need to be studied too…but then that is only the last 1000 years in a history that spans thousands of years. It should only get that space it deserves – definitely not most of the text books that we study.

This is a serious topic and I believe that we should wake up and help our friends in the NCERT to re-write the history books to reflect accurately what a truly great nation we were and are. If you want pride in your nation, it is a must that you learn its fantastic history in the right manner and with an accurate version. We should not be a nation that will believe its history only when it is stated by a foreigner.

There is no need to be ashamed of our past. This is not saffronization as we are made to believe. This is the real history. So, let us wake up and re-write the books.

Chasing Shadows

"When you are in the light, everything follows you. But when you enter in to the dark, even your shadow doesn't follow you" - Unknown. There are many such sayings on how a shadow leaves you when it is dark. And these statements have been made in different contexts. However, most of the times they have been made in the context of a Leader having to be in the limelight to have followers.

As in a shadow, a Leader is only as good if s/he has followers or that is what we think. Do we really need followership to show that we are Leaders? If we wanted others to follow us, who are we following? As Joseph Campbell said, "If the path before you is clear, you're probably on someone else's." And, as this saying goes, we are both followers and leaders at the same time.

A leader needs some followership as that is what helps her/him to tread a new path. However, a person becomes a leader only when s/he creates more leaders, not just followers.

In my personal experience, I have tried hard to create leaders. Today, as I look back on my career, I see so many who worked with me occupying various positions across different companies. They are the Leaders of today and will create the leaders of the future. It is heartening to see so many of my colleagues take on the challenges that the corporate world faces today and trying their best to change paradigms.

They say that Leaders must hire their future bosses. But, let us look back on our career to see how many leaders would work for someone who they hired. I have seen few who have done that and have been amazing at that. When I asked them how they did it, I got various responses but the common threads were that they all understood their limitations well. They were all driven by the role they wanted to play and not by the position or who they reported to. They understood clearly what stage they were in life and, therefore, what motivated them.   If I ask myself would I do that, the honest answer will be that I will struggle. I can say that of all those who worked with me, there are few individuals I would not mind working for. But for most others, I would struggle.

Many of us struggle to give up a powerful position or role. Nothing wrong in that because that is what we have strived for all these years - not to give it up. However, personal priorities keep changing and we must recognize that and find that balance between personal priorities and work. Some struggle to get back to a job after having quit it. Personally, I have gone through this dilemma. We struggle with ourselves more than anything else. Did we fail and is that why we want to move back to a job? So, long as we have learnt from the experience, I do not see anything as a failure. Life teaches us all that we need. Only, we need to be patient and reflect to be able to pick up those lessons. I never found it a problem to move back to a job when personal circumstances changed and I thought that it was best for me at that point in time to get back to the corporate world. All it needs is the flexibility to understand the situation and move on in life. 

As I walked along the street I crossed a street light and as the light came from behind me, my shadow suddenly came in front of me and was taller than me. I was following the shadow!!!

Leadership is everywhere....

When we generally ask the question of a gathering as to who thinks they are a leader, very few hands go up. This is because we see a leader as someone really successful or a politician who has made it or a very senior corporate person who is on top, etc. We tend to believe that leaders are those people who have seen it, done it all kind of people.

The flooding in South India over the last few weeks brought out leaders from real life. They were everywhere. From the person who swam in fast flowing water risking his life to save a family, to someone who cooked silently and fed few hundreds who needed food, to someone who gave his boat (read his source of livelihood) to rescue people, to someone who gave up his food package and went hungry for that night so that a younger child could eat, all of these people are leaders. They have shown leadership and it is for us to take a look and recognize them.

Yes, leadership is everywhere. It is within each of us. It is for us to recognize it, awaken it and let it flow. When you stood by your family member when s/he needed you, you were a leader. When you told the truth to your parent despite knowing that you would be chided, you were a leader. When you accepted and apologized for an error you made, you were a leader. When you kept your calm under fire, you were a leader. When you woke up to put your little brother to sleep so that your mom is not disturbed you were a leader. When you gave up your piece of bread to your little sister and waited for mom to come back with a few more pieces, you were a leader. Like this, there are thousands and thousands of examples of leadership that we see and experience in everyday life. However, we do not seem to acknowledge or appreciate them.

As John Maxwell says, "Leadership is not about titles, positions or flowcharts. It is about one life influencing another." When we look at our lives, for most part what happens to us is only a small part. How we react to or deal with what happens to us is what determines who we are. Our attitude defines leadership. Let us now bring this to our homes and to our work place.

When we show that we are dealing with a situation with calm and maturity, with speed and agility, with integrity and honesty, people start seeing us as role models. Such role models (whatever be their position in the organization) are the real leaders in the organization. They end up building informal networks, they are able to influence the way the organization thinks not because of the power of their position, but because people see them as someone who they can trust and would like to emulate. They may not always have their way, but in the end they are able to influence the organization significantly. I am sure each of you reading this blogpost is smiling because you already are thinking of someone who is like this or you yourself is such a person. At home, your family is watching you. If you are a person who walks the talk, who is transparent, who is filled with love, who has the time for the family, you are the role model.

When the floods in South India caused havoc, many people decided to help out the impacted. I was one of them. I sent out an appeal for contributions and few of us worked to organize storage, transport and then distribution to many flooded areas in Chennai. This exercise brought out leaders across the society. People travelled 2 hours to get relief material in to our central location in Bangalore. Something amazing happened when one person put out my request within his group. He is someone who is a Senior Manager in a large multinational in Bangalore. He organizes pilgrimages, prayer sessions and helps people without expecting anything in return. A mail from him to his friends brought in close to 5 tons of relief material. So many people just walked in to contribute. On the day we had to send the materials, we ended up with 7.5 tons. This had to be sorted and re-packed and loaded in to the truck. 25 people helped us do this...except for 4 of them, everyone else was volunteering. Each of these people did not know who the materials were going to. They knew that they could make a difference by volunteering, by contributing, by coming forward to help when it was needed. Leadership is not about winning. It is not about power. It is about the ability in each one of us to empower ourselves and others. 

As John Quincy Adams says, "When you inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader."

Outsourcing Karma and Parenting...

My wife and I were discussing as to why we willingly give away our wealth to children or part with it to our children but hesitate when we think of giving it to others or for other causes, however worthy the cause may be. My wife talked of the spiritual side of this. She told me that the souls of the parents are indebted to the souls of their children. That is why parents keep giving more than they receive from children. They give without a thought of whether they will receive anything from their children. This is also part of karma.

Parents not only give away wealth but their time in bringing up children. Driving them around to various classes, spending time to teach them, helping them with their school work, etc. All this is part of their karma as at the soul level they are indebted to the souls of their children.

It was the Dussehra Festival in India. A celebration of the triumph of Good over Evil. A nine-day festival. People travel across India to spend time with their families. Schools are generally closed for 2 weeks during that month. My wife and I had also closed our school and were looking forward to getting some rest. I got a call from someone who asked if we were going to conduct remedial math classes for other school children at our School. Without pausing she continued, “My son has scored poorly in the first term math exams. He needs to be helped. I am wondering if you would like to take math classes for him during these holidays and then continue with it afterwards. I am willing to pay the fees, whatever it may be.”

To me it sounded like, “Here, take all the money that you want and teach him maths.” Though her soul was indebted to her son’s soul and that she needed to spend time with him, she decided to replace that time with money and outsource her karma to our school. Some parents do not know what to do with children during holidays. They prefer that they are in some School doing some activity. Sounds familiar?? I am sure all of us have gone through this in some form or the other. We don’t mind handing over some of our responsibilities if someone else will take it.  We don’t mind paying for it. Karma is being outsourced!!!

More and more parents are finding it difficult to juggle between their careers and their personal lives. Most people working in cities are spending few hours on commute everyday apart from long hours at work. This just puts tremendous stress in their lives. Taking care of children has become difficult. They find it easier to just hand over their children to a School or a Day Care and be more of weekend parents.

The current factory model of schooling does not augur well for average to below average students. They get left behind in class. From a School's perspective it is not possible to have less than 35 children to a class. It is not economically viable. In India, real estate prices have sky rocketed. The cost of setting a school does not make it financially viable if the school has less than 35 students to a class. If there are less numbers, the fee to be collected shoots up significantly. Parents want the facilities, the best of teachers, etc. (and rightfully so) but do not want to pay for that. Given this situation, schools end up taking 35 to 40 children to a classroom. This does put pressure on teachers. Over 50% of the learning happens at home. Parents have to spend that time. Given the pressures they have at work, they are not able to spend time. Hence, they expect the school to be in charge of everything - from the academics of the child to her/his values to her/his sports program to her/his dance/music, etc.

Parents are, therefore, losing their status as role models for their children. In many cases they are becoming poor role models as they have outsourced value education to the School. While Value Education talks of various things to children, in actual life, they are witness to something that is different  - eg. it is fine to bribe to get out of trouble (if you have broken the law), it is fine to break a traffic rule; it is fine to tell a lie to get out of a situation (and now we have colours for lies - white lies meaning something that is not harmful), it is fine to keep your room untidy, it is fine to spend most of your time on a gadget rather than on a play field, it is fine to sit in front of a TV for hours together, and so on. This is because parents just do not have the time to spend with their children. Both of them need a career (and there is nothing wrong with this). But, then, we are making a conscious choice that quality time with children will be limited to none. The child now starts believing that this is the way the world works. 

Guess what happens when the child starts rebelling when s/he gets in to teens? The School is to blame. The School has not taught values, the school has not focused on academics, the school has taught the child poor habits and so s/he is more focused on gadgets and TV than books. Now we know that Karma is fully outsourced.

“Not only is there often a right and wrong, but what goes around does come around, Karma exists, chickens do come home to roost, and as my mother, Phyllis, liked to say, “There is always a day of reckoning.” The good among the great understand that every choice we make adds to the strength or weakness of our spirits—ourselves, or to use an old fashioned word for the same idea, our souls. That is every human’s life work: to construct an identity bit by bit, to walk a path step by step, to live a life that is worthy of something higher, lighter, more fulfilling, and maybe even everlasting.” ― Donald Van de Mark, The Good Among the Great: 19 Traits of the Most Admirable, Creative, and Joyous People

Take this to the workplace. Whether you do the work yourself or delegate it to your teams, you are accountable for the outcomes of the work done. In the event of an issue within your organization, would you go to the customer and say that it was a mistake made by one of your team members? Would you tell him that you cannot be held accountable for mistakes made by one your team members? When you delegate work, you still feel accountable. This is exactly the situation in a school too. Even though you delegate education to them, you are accountable for how well your children perform. At the end of the day, you are accountable for the values they have imbibed. If this is clear and you work towards this, you will see drastically different results with your child at home and with the customer at work.

What goes around definitely comes around. It is best that we understand that "we reap what we sow". We cannot outsource this. We are accountable for every action of ours even if that is outsourcing our parenting. When we look back, the time spent with our children and with people around us are all that live within us. The money we made, the success we had in our careers, etc. all pale into insignificance. Life is full of choices and come with their own consequences...so, are outsourcing our karma and parenting!!!

Deriving benefits from Generation Gaps in the workplace...

"If you are a Hotmail user, we will not hire you", said an advertisement. "These baby boomers are now leaders in various organizations and dont understand what the millennial want." I am sure you all have heard this. Personally, I believe that these gaps in generation exist but they have more benefits, if the diversity of the teams are leveraged properly.

It is true that generational gaps exist. This is because each generation is born in to a different context. In to a world that is quite different from the earlier generations. For my grand dad, having a fan in his house was a luxury. For my daughter, this will sound absurd as she was born in a house with fans and air conditioners. Similarly, with gadgets. When I was born, there were no computers in India. Today, children are born in to a world filled with gadgets that network the whole world.

Given the different environments and contexts that generations are born in to, the thought process will be different. How they view a particular situation will be different. How well they collaborate will be different. However, the innate fact that we are all human beings does not change. The same emotions run within all of us - whether a grand dad who was born in 1930s or a millennial.

From an organization perspective, it is essential to note few key things about all its employees:

a) Everyone wants to be treated with respect and as a human being;

b) Everyone wants to be seen as part of team and contributing to the organization;

c) Everyone would like to know how her/his work contributes to the end objectives of the organization; and

d) Everyone wants to be compensated fairly for her/his contribution.

This is true of all employees whether they belong to the baby boomer generation or a millennial. These basic aspects of managing employees have not changed and will probably never change. Every other aspect such as how one leverages technology to approach work, what are some of the drivers at work, etc. change based on the context in to which we are born.

I was sitting through a talk where an elderly lady was speaking to young high school children. She said, "You children have it very easy. You do not understand the value of money. You want your parents to buy you gadgets every year. In our days we needed to walk 5 kilometres to School crossing 2 streams along the way. When I went to college I had a bi-cycle. We lived in small houses that did not even have fans." She had lost the audience as they just could not relate to what she was saying. So what if she had to walk 5 kms to School? Their problems now included someone in class having a cooler gadget or the air-conditioner in the car not working or they having to come by bus because the car has gone for servicing, etc.

Let us bring this to the work place. I have heard people who are baby boomers say that a job is for a life time. You get in to a job and a company and that is it. You should not be looking at any other company. They talk of career being a rat race and dog eat dog but still say, in the same breath, that Collaboration is a must. It seemed to be a rat race because the generation then was focused on building personal financial capital. They saw the job as a means to doing that. It helped them own a new and larger house, pay for better schooling and expenses. So, the more the money, the better the living standards. Therefore, the job was critical and promotions in the job were even more critical. They fought tooth and nail to get promotions and many a time used unfair means. So, this was a rat race for them. Their grandchildren are now in a situation where they live in large houses and have a very good standard of living. Their objective in life is no more capital accumulation. It is more about getting excited at work every day. It is about working with others and doing things differently. The paradigm has shifted but our older friends still keep talking of dog eat dog. This is the generational gap and how it plays out.

As a Leader, I have found it useful to remember the four points that are mentioned above in this article and have used it to lead a team across 58 countries with an age range of 22 to 64. The principles given above worked really well across all age groups and across geographies. I noticed that attention was needed in the way we approached work from a technology perspective and from the perspective of what could motivate a particular age group. Though individual motivation was driven by the circumstances in which that particular individual was, we could come up with some general conclusions for each geography.

I also noticed that where we could combine generations in to projects, we got the best of few worlds. This is best described in the picture given. We not only looked at the baby boomers mentoring the millennials but also reverse mentoring. It worked wonders in driving an organization to move from an output driven one to an outcome driven one.

Yes, generational gaps do exist. They are because we are born and conditioned by the circumstances in which we grow up. This conditioning is very strong and though times change, our ability to change does not keep pace with changing times. The behavioural issues created by these gaps can go out of hand if we are not careful in handling situations. However, if we focus on the 4 aspects mentioned above and use a large dose of common sense, we can derive benefits from these gaps.

As I was picking flowers....

It had rained very heavily the previous night. The morning was cool and it was still dark. I went out to pick flowers. I had planted some flower bearing plants that had grown to 7 feet height and formed a barrier in front of my house. The plants, as I had said to myself while planting them years ago, would grow up to give me flowers and also filter the dust coming from the road in to the house. I thought that in return for doing this, I would water and nurture the plants daily. This was the deal that I had struck with the plants as I planted them.

Guess what...the plants neither needed my nurturing nor the water to grow. Even though I did this and also forgot to water them on few days, they got in alternate systems to source water and nourishment from under the ground and grew to be tall and sturdy.

As I picked the flowers today, my hands got really dirty. The dust and grime were what the plants were taking from the road and not allowing to get past in to the house. They had been doing their part of the bargain faithfully. As this thought crossed my mind, I was struck by something else. These plants had grown by themselves. They did not depend on me. They did not strike any bargain with me. They did not commit to me that they would stand there and protect my house from the dust and give me flowers. Yet, they did both of those and much more that I was not seeing or realizing. As far as these plants were concerned, there was no deal. This deal was only in my head. They stood there quietly, knew what was to be done to grow, knew when it was time to give flowers, took the dust on to themselves, gave away precious oxygen that human beings needed, gave food for insects, were a safe place for a cat to hide away her kitten till they grew up...and so much more. In all their stillness and calmness, they seemed to understand the reason for their existence. And, here I was, with the supposed 6th sense, trying to make a deal with these plants and most importantly, not knowing the reason for my existence.

Funny...and such is life. The so called smartest species does not know why it exists and all of the other so called dumb ones go about their lives knowing fully well what they need to do. Someone said that if all the insects in the world died, this planet would perish within 50 years. And, if all humans died, more species in this planets will survive in the next 50 years. So, not sure who are the smart ones.

Let us bring this concept to the work place. Just imagine working in an organization that does not know why it exists or the team that you work with not knowing why it exists and also why it does what it does. This is the Mission or Purpose Statement for Organizations or Teams. There are many organizations who believe they exist for some reason while they actually do for completely different reasons. It took a biscuit company decades to figure out that they were in the business of nutrition and not food. Not that they made poor quality biscuits because of that. However, its focus was on selling food items rather than good health to its customers. When the company realized this, it started off by selling biscuits fortified with vitamins and minerals. Their product lines are changing and the way they communicate to their customers and the public in general, has started changing. Most importantly, the employees now talk of nutrition instead of food.

Just think of the millions of people working in back offices of companies that have customers located thousands of miles away from their back offices. People working in these back-offices do not know who their customers are. They are given a process and told not to deviate - so, most of them know how to do the work but do not know why they are doing it. Just imagine a workforce not knowing why they actually are doing what they are doing on a day to day basis. How will they be able to relate the work that they are doing to the objectives of the organization? If they do not understand the big picture, we all know that their engagement levels will be lower.

There is so much damage caused if we do not understand the nature of our jobs and how it contributes to the organization.  What damage will all of us be doing to this world if we do not know why we were born and why we exist? This is the reality for most of us as we plod through life. There are many who find their calling in life and there are many more who just don't and die without ever having found out what was their true calling or why they came in to this world.

The best of leaders have always had an inspiring vision for their organization, have been able to communicate that vision effectively to the entire organization and made every member of their team understand how their work contributes to that vision.

Apart from making me understand the need for knowing why I existed, the plants were also trying to convey to me few other things regarding being contended in doing what comes naturally to me i.e. playing to my strengths. They gave away flowers, they gave away oxygen and they gave shade and protection. They were giving. For their existence and the support to the ecology, nature was working to ensure that the ground gave them the support to live.

So, if as humans, we knew why we were here and played our roles effectively, the world will work to ensure that we get what we need to live. The plants were telling me more now. Yes, they taught me how to live. They also were trying to convey to me that their needs were limited and could be received without paying any money.

As these thoughts went through me, I looked at these plants and asked questions to myself - What if I were to just be still as these plants (read as calmness inside me rather than physical stillness) and just be happy with what I am? Would it work? How are so many seekers in different parts of the world just happy being what they are and with minimum needs? Is this what is needed to be happy or contended? Was this happiness? 

The thoughts kept pushing me back to what Buddha said thousands of years ago. Let go of desires (maybe try and reduce them), let go of greed (again, maybe try and reduce it) and once we do that, we realize that happiness lies within each one of us. Any other kind of happiness seems to be transient. Similarly, being content resided in us. And it brings about a calmness inside that is all pervading. The plants had taught me so many lessons by their very existence.

Mid-Life Crisis, Stressors or whatever name you call it....

Fifteen years had gone by since their wedding and Kaya felt worthless. Despite balancing a full day job and doing all the household work, she felt that her husband and children did not appreciate the grind she was going through every day. The chores just didn't seem to let up. If she didn't do few things at home, they never seemed to get done. What were all the others doing at home?

It was around this time that she met someone in office who was willing to listen to her and talk to her about her true worth. Rithvik discussed various things with her openly - whether it was life, office politics, decisions at work, etc. He seemed to value her judgement. He saw her as more than just an employee or colleague. But, what she did not know was that he himself was not in great shape with his personal life. He felt that his wife was a nag. How much ever he had achieved at office, she just seemed to be comparing him to his boss and feeling unhappy. Her constant bickering seemed to get to him. So, despite him loving his kids, he preferred to be on travel or go out for office engagements in the evenings. His kids hardly saw him and, therefore, felt he was not a family man. They felt that their mother was sacrificing too much.

It started with small reasons for Kaya and Rithvik to meet up or call or have something to discuss. It would invariably start off as an office topic and then quickly move on to other things. As this became more often, their intimacy grew. They reached a stage where they were not sure if they wanted to leave their families and start off a new life between themselves.  The pressure of giving up kids was taking its toll. Kaya's husband somehow sensed that his wife was not normal. He tried talking to her about it and after a very long struggle she had a conversation with him. Yes, it was all about him and children not appreciating her and the hard work that she put in. They decided to visit a psychiatrist. He was known to be a healer and talked of healing at the soul level.

The psychiatrist spoke to Kaya, her husband and the children. He talked of looking at each other not at their physical level but at the soul level. He said that if love is about giving and not just receiving, then she should not be worried about the family doing nothing for her. This struck the right chord in Kaya - Love is about giving. And true love does not get tired of giving. But, whilst the words meant a lot to her, she did not know how to implement it in real life.

Kaya decided that this was a chance that God was giving to her. So, as per what the psychiatrist said, she started logging down all the work she did and also how she felt while doing that. It was a painful task. Apart from doing all the chores, she now had to maintain a log. The log was initially not very descriptive. But, as few weeks went by, she started detailing out how she felt. The logging down of her anger, resentment and bitterness actually went a long way in reducing these. The logging down also meant spending lesser and lesser time on the phone and slowly but painfully weaning away from Rithvik.

Few months went by and the psychiatrist asked her to read her log out to her family. Kaya's husband and children broke down when they heard her read out her feelings. They felt terrible that they were not participating in the life of their loved one and now started appreciating her feelings and what she was going through. Things were beginning to get better.

Rithvik, on the other hand, was struggling. He neither could get out of the thoughts of Kaya nor could he live at peace with his wife. He tried talking to her to tell her to be happy with what they had instead of aspiring to get something else or be someone else. He said that they should visit a psychiatrist. But, his wife refused. So, he went to the same psychiatrist as Kaya and the process of healing started. But, this time, it had to do with how he should approach his wife and children.

Years had gone by and things had settled down in both families but Rithvik's wife could not forgive him for having strayed away from her even though she now understood that she was the reason to a large extent. Kaya's husband was having the same struggle.

This story is real and I am sure many will be able to resonate with this. It need not be another partner who came in to our lives...it could be someone or something else. Maybe a Guru or a Friend or a Child or a Cause. And that person/thing seems to take centre stage in our lives. You could possibly be just a spectator as you saw it unfold in someone else's life. We call this the mid-life crisis and some call it mid-life stressors.  Things that stress us tremendously and, many a time, beyond repair. What we need to notice here, according to Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev of Isha Foundation, are - Human relationships are variable and not an absolute. Secondly, they cannot be built on what we expect someone else to be or do. They will be or do what they want and not what you want. Thirdly, your life is a whole in itself. Somehow, we bring in others and imagine that our life is not full without them. Sadhguru asks, "When you are on your death bed, please ask your partner to come along with you because you are frightened to be alone." He continues that you will wish that you had guessed the answer long ago and led your life on your terms.

The spiritual way of viewing this would be to look at and understand that each of us is a soul - not the body or the mind. This is deep philosophy and we struggle to come to terms with this because we see our bodies and experience our minds. We neither see nor experience our soul. We don't even know if it exists let alone trying to figure out what is the learning that it wants that it took this body and mind. But, never mind all these. Just experience the difference in how it will make you feel if you consider that all of this is happening because we are a soul and these issues that we are facing are for a learning purpose. The minute we do that, all lines that separate us as physical beings blur. We are able to send out positive energy signals out to everyone. This includes our family members. Even to all those family members who we think have wronged us. Over a period of time, the healing happens from within - first in ourselves and then in relation to the others. We forget the anger. We sometimes don't even know why we were angry and with whom. We realize that the anger was more on ourselves than on the other person. Our understanding leads us to realize that we are accountable for our thoughts and our emotions.

“Each person has to face this challenge – you must search inside yourself. The props – surroundings, interactions, rituals, customs and superstitions – are just palliatives. You have to achieve your balance on your own; it has to come from the self. Once you get there, you can afford the luxury of lavishing your life with the pleasures of your drifting journey.” ― Andre Averbug, The Drifting Self: a novella

If we cannot forgive ourselves and heal from within, there is no question of forgiving others. Once we heal from within, there is no need to forgive anyone else as we take full accountability for our thoughts and emotions.