The Path that your Child wants to Take...

When I saw my daughter as an extension, I had only instructions. When I saw her as an individual, we had conversations.

Parents always want the best for their children. So, there is no question of doubting their intent. But, many a time, enthusiasm gets the better of reason. So, as parents, we end up doing things that are not in the best interest of our children. Because I did not make it to the top Engineering College, I now want my child to make it there to study Engineering when s/he may not even be interested in a career in Science.

I must say that my dad gave all his children the option to study what we wanted. He just spoke to us on the importance of education and why it is better to get in to some of the better known colleges.  I never felt he was disappointed because I did not take the profession that he had. Not sure what would have happened if I had told him I want to be a footballer though.

The trouble starts when the parent sees that the child wants to take a profession that s/he feels will not make the child successful in life. And, of course, success is measured in terms of how much money s/he can make.

In India, many parents feel that if you study to become a doctor, engineer, chartered accountant, lawyer and few other such professions, you are fine. Else, the problem starts. I have met parents who are ashamed to say that their child is a singer, dancer, pot maker, farmer, security guard, courier delivery boy, plumber, driver, electrician, etc. Yet, over 90% of the people are not professionally qualified. They are happy with a degree or something lower and go about their lives. Yes, they may not make all the money, but they can live decently and with heads held high.

Don’t get me wrong. This article is not another one bashing money. In this world and age, there is a need for money as it gets you the things that you need for a comfortable living and also a feeling of security. It helps you pay for your child’s education. And based on where we live, different professions pay you different amounts of money. Such is life. However, we are born with certain intelligences. If we choose a profession that plays to our intelligence (or strength), we enjoy the work that we do. Does not mean we cannot choose another profession. But, we may not enjoy it as much. How many engineers or doctors became so out of their choice?

I was talking to a driver and he told me how he is finding it difficult to get married because not many wanted a husband who is a driver. I asked him as to what the problem was. He told me that it is not the amount of money that he makes. Educated girls (possibly degree holders) found it below their dignity to marry a driver. Most time, drivers are school drop outs in India. These girls do not want to marry an uneducated man. Added to that is the fact that they make lesser money. The fact that he is a very nice human being making a decent living is often overlooked. This holds equally good for women in low paid professions. There seems to be no premium for being a nice human being!!!

Money, social status, social acceptance, living comforts and such other external factors become the primary drivers for selection of a profession and not one that plays to the natural inclinations and strengths of the individual.

So, what happens when we are faced with this situation? Not an easy decision. But, if we remember the first sentence of this post that our children are not our extensions, it will go a long way in clearing our thoughts. It would be good to talk through all the options that the child has, her/his natural strengths and, therefore, what professions will be suitable. It would be good to get the child assessed for potential careers and let her/him choose one finally.

I got a call from a friend one day and he told me how his son wanted to play cricket and choose that as his career rather than continue studying beyond 12th Grade. He had spoken to his son few times but it had not worked. His son felt that if he made it to the top few in the Association that he played for, he stood a good chance to make it to the Indian Premier League (IPL) and that meant he was making enough money to manage. He wanted me to advice his son.

I had a meeting with his son and told him the various options he had in marketing, in cricket and in business management. I talked through the pros and cons of each of the options and what he had to do to make himself successful in all these options. I also made him articulate what are the risks related to each of these options. This got him thinking. Once he was clear he made his choice. I believe that this is a better way and it has worked for me quite a few times. Talk through the different options with your child, give time for things to sink in. Talk on working to an individual’s strengths and making a living versus doing something to make money and then spending some time on your real passion. Talk on the pros and cons…leave the decision to the child. These are decisions that the individual has to take by herself/himself. But, this is so tough when it comes to your child. If s/he wants to be security guard (and please don't mistake me as someone who thinks that the profession of a guard is below one’s dignity) and you believe that s/he could have made an amazing neuro surgeon making tons of money, the struggle is very high. However difficult, it is best for the child to make that decision.

I stood at the airport and waved goodbye to my daughter, as she started off a new path in her life. I felt a part of me was being ripped out. I felt choked as tears welled up in my eyes. It took me back 31 years – I saw myself comforting my dad. He had dropped me off at the airport. I was about to start a new life in a foreign land. I saw him choke up and did not understand it fully. Today, as I stood at the airport, I could hear him talking to me from the Heavens, “Son, this is exactly how I felt 31 years ago.” Yes, children are not our extensions, but somehow, life seems to intertwine us inextricably to them and as the bird prepares to fly out, we just struggle. That is love and life. Each one of us has a path and we must decide on that.

I will end with a quote from an unknown that I came across in family.com “Our challenge as parents and our privilege are to love the unfolding reality of our child, stage by stage and layer by layer.”

Taking Accountability for your emotional state....

As he strode purposefully in to office his colleagues looked at him and someone said, "He is aggressive in the workplace. He is able to push things through and make things happen. The only issue I see is his temper." He heard the comment of his colleague and turned around and said, "I am aggressive and yes, I have a bad temper. All these come as a package called me. I am, and therefore, I will be aggressive and bad tempered."

I was thinking of this statement. Just analyse the difference between "I am diabetic" and "I have diabetes". The first one gives out the state of mind that we recognize that we are diabetic and will remain so for the rest of our lives. The second one talks of us having diabetes but that is something that we can cure with certain precautions. That is the difference. Let us now put this in a different perspective - "I am angry" and "I have created anger in me". There is a huge difference in this. The first one says anger is a part of me and I will be like this and will not change. Pretty much like the leader who says that he comes as a package. The second sentence makes me take accountability for the anger in me. It was I who created that anger in me. So, if I can create it, I can also get rid of it.

People who are willing to change - be that their nature or their habits - are generally those who take more accountability for their actions.The use of appropriate words such as "I create anger in me" also creates within ourselves a sense of being accountable for our actions, deeds and thoughts. It is practising these words regularly that will create the difference over a period of time.

Just imagine if we can teach ourselves and our teams (at work) and our families and friends this concept. The more we start seeing ourselves as the creator of our emotions, the more stable we will become. We will not play victim. We will not justify our poor behaviour. We will take accountability for our emotional state and also the actions that follow from those states.

At the end of the day, we are sending out signals because of our emotional state. When we are in a positive frame of mind, we send out positive vibrations. The energy signals that we send out are positive. If we are negative, the energy signals that we send out are negative. As in many things in life, what we give is what we receive. A smile gets you back a smile. A frown gets back to you as a frown. Positive energy sent will mean positive energy is received.

So, what is this energy? I would say that anything that can invoke a reaction inside you. Take music for instance. It can trigger off amazing reactions inside us - either one of meditating on music, one of dancing to the tune or one of humming along enjoying the tune. Music, to me, is one of the best forms of energy.

A lot of time, we react to situations. Those situations and our reactions become the energy. If we are able to remain calm and consciously observe how our reactions happen in a day, we would be in better control of the situations that arise. This is easier said than done. I have been practising this for years to very little success. I used to react to every situation in a positive or negative way depending on the situation. Once I started observing my reactions, the negative reactions started coming down. However, despite the years having gone by, it is still not at the level that it should be. I can say that I am getting there, but there is clearly a long way to go. However, becoming aware of my emotional state has got me to react with more equanimity. This, in a way, is taking accountability for your reactions.

I am sure many of you will be able to relate to this story. I waited at the office for one of my colleagues to present to me the status on a project. As he came in, I felt that his body language was not great. The presentation got underway and the project was not going according to plan. On the contrary, it was heading towards becoming a disaster. He was one of my best performers but in this project, it appeared to me that he had taken his eye off the ball and was failing. This was a high profile project and we could not let it fail. So, as I worked through the details, it became apparent, that we had missed some critical aspects in the beginning and some of our assumptions were not correct. We had to make course corrections and it was immediate. After getting the course corrections done, I told him, "Looks like you have let me down on this one. Clearly, you have too much on your plate. I am moving this project to someone else." 

When I reflect on that day, I believe I should have been more careful in the choice of words. When we are disappointed or lose trust, it is what we feel or believe. It is not necessarily what the other person in whom we have lost trust believes. The concept of losing trust itself is a view point and one that is internal to us. If we look deeper, it is actually our disappointment with ourselves. We decide to trust that someone will do or not do something. If that person does not act in the way we want her/him to do, we end up getting disappointed and express it as losing trust. Why should someone act or behave in a way that we want them to do? 

If I had this clarity earlier, I would have had a different conversation with my colleague. Also, the fact that I told him that he let me down, showed that internally, I was not willing to take accountability for the project not going well. It is different that I went to my manager and told him that things were not going well on this project and that I will have it on track within the next 2 weeks and that I take accountability. But, deep down inside me, I had not really taken accountability.

This kind of behaviour is what creates stress in all of us. We say things to others that are not in consonance with what we are or how we feel. The minute we start aligning all these and become aware of changes to how we feel during the course of the day, we end up taking more accountability for our words, thoughts and actions.

I will end this blog with two lovely quotes - “You may believe that you are responsible for what you do, but not for what you think. The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think." ― Marianne Williamson

“As for the journey of life; at some point you will realize that YOU are the driver and you will drive!” ― Steve Maraboli

Losing the Self

My friend was rushing to the hospital. His brother had called him to say that their dad had passed away and that the ward boys in the Government Hospital were asking for the body to be taken out immediately. As he reached the hospital almost an hour later, he went to the mortuary and his dad's body was placed outside on the ground and the hospital clothing on his body had moved due to the wind and his body lay exposed. My friend told me later, "His body lay there unattended. I turned around and could see the huge office compound opposite the mortuary. Those were the very corridors that he had walked like a king when he worked there. He was the absolute authority there. And, today, he lay here unattended." His face had a sad smile when he remembered the scene and he said, "I am not sure of our identity. Who are we? One minute we are striding the corridors of power and in the next we are gone and lying unattended outside a government hospital's mortuary not even covered properly. This is the irony of life."

We play many roles - child, sibling, parent, spouse, friend, employee, manager, leader, customer, supplier, etc. And, in a day, we play so many of them and some simultaneously. Most of the times, we are not ourselves. We are the roles that we play.

We make so many decisions that are for the good of others. Not ourselves. Some for our children, some for our spouses, some for our parents, some for our friends and colleagues and some for ourselves. If you look back and take stock, there will less of decisions that were for ourselves and more for others. And, still, people call us selfish!!! This is true for most of us in lives. How many of us have not taken a role that was a promotion because we would have had to move and that would have caused a disruption in schooling of kids or the jobs of our spouse, etc.? How many of us have given up a job because we wanted to focus on our children as they grew up? How many of us cannot recognize the face that we see daily in the mirror? How many of us have heard our friends say, "Are you the same friend I had in college? You were such a firebrand and my role model. What has happened to you now?" How many of us have lost the idealism that fired us up every morning when we attended college or the first few years at work?

I had conducted a workshop in India with ageing parents and they complained bitterly on how their children were asking them to move out of their home town or the place they lived because they were either getting transferred or moving jobs. Most of them opined that for few extra rupees their children were uprooting everything and moving away. An hour in to the conversation, I asked them as to how many of them had transferable jobs, had moved jobs, had left their home towns, lived away from their parents, etc. Over 80% of them had. I asked them then why were they now asking their children to give up opportunities in their careers just because they (the parents) did not want to move? I asked them as to why they were not moving in to old age homes with full facilities (as these are now available in India) instead of complaining? Neither did they want to move to an old age home (somehow it is seen as a taboo in India - that their children have abandoned them) nor did they want to move out of the places they lived in currently. I asked them if they were not being selfish and not letting their children live their lives the way they (their children) wanted.

Given all these pulls and pushes, we try and find ways and means to satisfy as many and in the process, lose the self in us. Many a time, we are unhappy with the way life is because, for example, we gave up our job/career for our child. There is nothing wrong in doing all this, but it cannot come at the cost of our happiness. If we decide to find happiness in our decisions, then, nothing seems right or wrong. It is only right or wrong for that individual and that too at that point in time.

So, what should we do to not lose the self in all this and yet be someone who is not selfish? It comes down to ensuring that we have time to ourselves every day for reflection, relaxation, exercising, indulgence, etc. It comes down to respecting our own feelings and having open and honest conversations about them with our family and friends. It comes down to taking difficult decisions on various aspects of life that may not be what some in your family want. Easier said than done is what most of you reading this post must be thinking. I will share with you as to what has worked for me. It is discipline, confidence and honesty. We need to set apart time for some exercising, reflections of the previous day or what you want to get done today, sipping a cup of lemon tea,...preferably, all of them!!! What has also worked is having those honest conversations. Even if things have not gone my way all the time, it has always worked out where conversations have been honest and reconciliations are done. It is  essential that we do not lose confidence in ourselves in the process.

Honest conversations are essential. If we do not do this, we do ourselves and the people with us (family and friends) a huge disservice. It is such conversations (though extremely difficult at times because of emotions involved) that will help us from losing ourselves and others around us. If we cannot be true to ourselves and our family, who else can we be true to? At such difficult situations, I have found it better to tear away the mask that I wear and be honest and open.

Such is life. Many a time, we need to search hard to find ourselves. “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” ― Nelson Mandela

Leaders take risks

My Chief Operations Officer (COO) walked in to my office one day and said, "We have a situation. There seems to be a systematic credit card fraud possibly happening with small amounts being drawn daily. We are not sure yet and need to investigate. However, we need to stop possible losses and so need to stop certain types of transactions with immediate effect."  Sounds familiar to you? As a Leader you are in a situation where you need to take a decision but do not have all the information to do that. You could take a decision that could adversely impact business and guess what, it could be a wrong decision. 

This is what leaders face everyday. They need to decide without all information or data on hand. This is a risk. Not taking a decision is, in itself, a decision and, therefore, does not reduce the risk.

Many a time, we take decisions that go wrong. We end up facing the consequences and over years we start becoming risk averse. While organizations keep telling us that a vital ingredient of leadership is the ability to take risks, there is very little tolerance for errors in judgement. So, leaders become risk averse over time and some even reach a stage where they just don't take risks. This puts them, the organization and the employees at a greater risk because normal decisions that should have been taken, just don't get taken.

The previous Indian Government is a classic example. Stung by criticisms and asks for resignation due to so many scams that erupted, the government machinery just came to a grinding halt. During the last 3 years, absolutely no decision was taken. The ruling party got hit so badly that as they started campaigning during election time, we saw the same defensiveness and inability to take even calculated risks. The result was that they lost very badly.

I was staring at the new contract that we had signed up for a back office operation. It was a marquee account but if we didn't change our operating model, we were not going to make money out of it. I had called for a meeting of key leaders and we looked at the contract and worked on different options. What came out clearly was that we had to look at a totally different operating model for this account. A model that we had not tried before and were not sure will deliver what we wanted. Given the unknowns, we were also worried whether the quality of service delivery will be as good as what it was. So, the risk was one of damaging a great reputation that we had built over the years. As I thought through the pros and cons, it became increasingly evident that if we ever needed to make a profit out of this contract, we needed to change the model and we could take a calculated risk. So, I spoke to my operations manager, HR and my immediate manager. I told them that I was willing to go ahead with adopting a new model given that was the best for the organization at that point in time. I pushed on and we went through with changing our operating model. It became a huge success and became the model for some of our other contracts too. It was not an easy decision and making it happen also was not easy. However, with team work, we managed to pull through successfully with the model.

Sometimes, our decisions go well and sometimes they just backfire. If we are able to get 80% of our decisions right and limit the damage on the other 20%, we come through as successful leaders. No leader has reached a position of leadership and stayed there without taking risks. It is how the leader continues to take those risks and take decisions in the best interest of the organization that matters. Most importantly, leaders must be able to live down their errors of judgement and move on. If they are stuck at a wrong decision, life comes to a standstill and does not do good to anyone, especially, the leader.

So, let us be that leader that takes risks understanding fully well that there are consequences to wrong decisions. Not taking a decision is also a decision and carries with it far more risks!!!

Aham Brahmaasmi - The Creator is the Destroyer

A blog that I published earlier on Linked In

The manager spoke and the team listened with rapt attention. She was a fantastic orator. She conveyed what she had to in few words and most of the time it hit home. They all knew that the organization held her in high esteem as they did too.

It was late evening but he was still at work. His manager had told him to stay back as she wanted to meet him after her team meeting. He knew it would be late in the evening before she came back from the meeting. But, something in her voice made him realize that it would be a career limiting move if he asked to re-schedule the meeting. So, he waited patiently.

He had started his career with the company twenty two years ago. He had enjoyed his stint here till this new manager came in to his life a year back. Over the years he had learnt to navigate the company well, survive the various changes and manage to turn in a decent performance year after year. His teams had liked his approach to work. He was an expert in his field. There was none within his organization who knew the job as well as he did.

This expertise was gained over years of reading and working in the field. He knew very little else apart from this field. He liked the work and the field of expertise. However, very few companies needed a skill like what he had. So, to a large extent he had limited career choices. Given that, he had carefully avoided passing on all knowledge to his team members. He had set up the team in a way where no single person would get the entire knowledge. He did not rotate roles in a hurry. So, many people had quietly moved on from their roles and did not want to work in the team.

This new manager of his had latched on to this. She was pushing him to cross train his team. She was pushing him to create few successors. The opening of the door brought him back from his thoughts as she walked in. She quickly greeted him, sat down and took few gulps of water. She was looking a bit tired but quickly got in to the groove. “What’s happened to our previous discussion? I had asked you to create few successors.” He responded stating that he was doing so but given the complexity of the job, the technical nature of the role and the relative inexperience of his team, it would take some more time. “How much more time?” she asked. He hesitatingly said that it would take few years. She lost it and screamed, “Do you know that you have now become a blocker for your team members? Top talent do not want to work for you because they do not see a career path. You have not grown for years now and seem to be contented with it. This has become a problem for the organization. I will give you six more months and if I don’t see a successor I have decided to bite the bullet and replace you.”

Many a time we create situations like this in our lives. Knowingly or unknowingly, we become blockers in the organization. We don’t re-skill ourselves so that we can stay relevant. We refuse to see the shifting sands. As a good leader or manager, your job is to de-risk the organization and ensure that you stay relevant.

He felt as if the earth under him was moving. He just could not imagine a life where he did not have a job. He needed a job to keep the kitchen fires burning. He was in a state of panic. Coming from a manager who had the support of the senior leaders in the organization, he knew that he didn’t stand much of a chance trying to argue. He looked at her once again and she looked like an angry Indian Goddess with various arms and with a weapon in each one. She was ready to kill. She could determine his life. His survival strategy by not creating his successor and specializing in only one area (at the cost of the organization) was working against him now. Suddenly, she had become the creator “Brahma” and as she continued speaking all he heard was, “Aham Brahmaasmi” (Translated as I am the Brahman or I am God - The Creator is also the Destroyer – The God who determines your life).

A Positive Attitude is all that you need….

He jet set the world working for the Government and bringing about changes to the country during the 1960s. He then moved to the corporate sector and did the same during the 1970s till the 1990s. He was one of the busiest and active persons that I had met in my life. By early 2000s his wife was diagnosed with dementia and she started forgetting incidents and people in her life. He stopped everything and was fully focused on his wife. As age caught up, he was not able to drive around in the Indian Traffic and so decided to move to an old age home in the outskirts of another city. The new place had a nice house he could stay in with his wife and a caretaker. The Old Age Home had catering facilities and medical facilities. All these were needed for him so that he could focus his time on his wife. He is in his late 80s and married for 60+ years. His wife is close to 80 years.

I visited him few months back. I expected that I would see someone a bit depressed given his illustrious past. Out came a “young man” dressed in a colourful t-shirt and shorts and carrying a tablet phone. He wished me and was actually in great cheer. He told me how happy he was to see my wife and me. He then took me to see his wife. She was bed ridden. He would sit by her most of the day. As we got talking, he asked how everyone was at home and he remembered everyone by name.

Then I got to know how he spent his day. He had a detailed diary of what he wanted to get achieved for the day and how he went about it. It was completely focused on what he wanted to get done for his wife. He talked of how he had tried to make her walk. He would go one day at a time. For example, today would be for her to take 5 steps forward. He would encourage her to take that step and go for those 5 steps – step by step. And he had written that down. Every aspect of what he did was documented – her weight, blood pressure, pulse, etc. In short, he was totally immersed in her progress and was actively participating in it.

I did not see a bit of fatigue in him. When I asked why, he said, “Why would I feel tired when I do something that I love and for someone who I love so much?” This love had created a positive attitude in him. That kept him going and with such a cheer that I had not seen or experienced in my life.

Many a time we wonder why are we doing whatever we are doing? Our jobs do not satisfy us. The environment is not what we want. We have differences of opinion with our boss and wonder who made her/him a boss in the first place!!!! All this is a manifestation of how we are reacting to a given situation. We are happy or sad not because a situation has made us happy or sad but because we have decided to take it that way. If we decide to have a positive attitude, then, any situation can be handled. We need to have that confidence in ourselves. We don’t need to search for happiness outside…it is very much inside each one of us and depends completely on the positive attitude that we have towards life. Happiness is a choice!!!

The Race

A blog that I published earlier on Linked In

The stadium was noisy but not full. I could see my family. I was on the track with my bicycle. The referee started giving instructions but I was busy wearing my gear and making final preparations to start off, that I didn't pay attention. I had cycled around this track few times. The organizers had said that they would have something completely different. But, I did not see anything different that day.

The whistle blew and I was first off like a flash. I had left the rest of the participants way behind as I completed the first round and the second. I knew there would be someone to wave the checkered flag to tell me that the race was over. Along the way, I saw my family waving out to me and I waved back. The other participants were just too slow for me. Few rounds and I thought I saw the checkered flag and so stopped at the finish line.

My wife and kids had come closer to the finish line. I was shocked to see them. It was as if they had all grown older. When I started the race, my first child was 5 years old and my second one was 2. They looked as if they were 20 and 17 when I got back. Was something wrong with me? My wife looked older too.

I commented, "I can't understand why these other guys are going so slow? They seem to be more focused on balance, a smile on their face and going slow. Not sure why these organizers have allowed their families to be with them on to the track? Is this the difference they were promising?" Without waiting for a response from my wife, I continued, "Guess what, I fell down few times, got hurt, had to rest as my heart pounded too fast at times and my body is aching all over and I have some chest pain. I need rest and maybe need to go to the doctor."

As I was being rushed to the hospital, my wife said, "Wake up please. The organizers announced that this was a slow cycle race. We were frantically waving at you to read the banner that was up. You didn't pay attention to us. The person who finishes last wins. The person who is happy, has inner peace, has time for his family, etc. wins. It is not about coming first, going fast, not seeing our children grow and spending no time with family. It is definitely not about losing your health in pursuit of that elusive thing called success or winning."

I was jolted out of my slumber. I had run the race wrong. My children had grown older and I had missed not only their childhood but also their teens. I was not by my wife when she struggled to bring up our children. I was not by her when she went through her daily struggles. We were poor people living in the largest mansion. We had all the gadgets that we wanted. We could buy the most expensive of clothes and food. But, we had never found time to sit down as a family and have a meal together. I had spent so much time on conference calls and in the office.

I looked around a bit dazed as I came out of the hospital. The doctors told me that I had a heart problem and high blood pressure. The cholesterol levels were high. I needed to be careful or else it would result in a heart attack. I needed to watch my weight and put more focus on physical fitness. I was advised to slow down and reduce stress levels.

I woke up early in the morning and in all earnestness started my brisk walk. My wife accompanied me. Few minutes in to the walk, we fell silent. There were no common topics of interest and I could not hold a conversation for more than few minutes. It was then that I realized that we had drifted apart mentally and what held us together was the old love and our children. I decided to start working on our relationship. This was the most important relationship in life and there was no way I was going to let go. That walk was the start of a relationship building with one of my oldest friends with whom I had spent years and, now realized, understood little.

I got on to the cycle again. This time, I was more focused on balance and not speed. My wife and children came along with me. I had the old smile (that I always felt was part of my attire) back again. The smile came from within my soul. As I started to pedal, I saw few cycles whiz past me. All I could see were smirks on the riders' faces as they looked at me and wondered why I was cycling so slow and was on the tracks with my family holding my bike!!!.