As he strode purposefully in to office his colleagues looked at him and someone said, "He is aggressive in the workplace. He is able to push things through and make things happen. The only issue I see is his temper." He heard the comment of his colleague and turned around and said, "I am aggressive and yes, I have a bad temper. All these come as a package called me. I am, and therefore, I will be aggressive and bad tempered."
I was thinking of this statement. Just analyse the difference between "I am diabetic" and "I have diabetes". The first one gives out the state of mind that we recognize that we are diabetic and will remain so for the rest of our lives. The second one talks of us having diabetes but that is something that we can cure with certain precautions. That is the difference. Let us now put this in a different perspective - "I am angry" and "I have created anger in me". There is a huge difference in this. The first one says anger is a part of me and I will be like this and will not change. Pretty much like the leader who says that he comes as a package. The second sentence makes me take accountability for the anger in me. It was I who created that anger in me. So, if I can create it, I can also get rid of it.
People who are willing to change - be that their nature or their habits - are generally those who take more accountability for their actions.The use of appropriate words such as "I create anger in me" also creates within ourselves a sense of being accountable for our actions, deeds and thoughts. It is practising these words regularly that will create the difference over a period of time.
Just imagine if we can teach ourselves and our teams (at work) and our families and friends this concept. The more we start seeing ourselves as the creator of our emotions, the more stable we will become. We will not play victim. We will not justify our poor behaviour. We will take accountability for our emotional state and also the actions that follow from those states.
At the end of the day, we are sending out signals because of our emotional state. When we are in a positive frame of mind, we send out positive vibrations. The energy signals that we send out are positive. If we are negative, the energy signals that we send out are negative. As in many things in life, what we give is what we receive. A smile gets you back a smile. A frown gets back to you as a frown. Positive energy sent will mean positive energy is received.
So, what is this energy? I would say that anything that can invoke a reaction inside you. Take music for instance. It can trigger off amazing reactions inside us - either one of meditating on music, one of dancing to the tune or one of humming along enjoying the tune. Music, to me, is one of the best forms of energy.
A lot of time, we react to situations. Those situations and our reactions become the energy. If we are able to remain calm and consciously observe how our reactions happen in a day, we would be in better control of the situations that arise. This is easier said than done. I have been practising this for years to very little success. I used to react to every situation in a positive or negative way depending on the situation. Once I started observing my reactions, the negative reactions started coming down. However, despite the years having gone by, it is still not at the level that it should be. I can say that I am getting there, but there is clearly a long way to go. However, becoming aware of my emotional state has got me to react with more equanimity. This, in a way, is taking accountability for your reactions.
I am sure many of you will be able to relate to this story. I waited at the office for one of my colleagues to present to me the status on a project. As he came in, I felt that his body language was not great. The presentation got underway and the project was not going according to plan. On the contrary, it was heading towards becoming a disaster. He was one of my best performers but in this project, it appeared to me that he had taken his eye off the ball and was failing. This was a high profile project and we could not let it fail. So, as I worked through the details, it became apparent, that we had missed some critical aspects in the beginning and some of our assumptions were not correct. We had to make course corrections and it was immediate. After getting the course corrections done, I told him, "Looks like you have let me down on this one. Clearly, you have too much on your plate. I am moving this project to someone else."
When I reflect on that day, I believe I should have been more careful in the choice of words. When we are disappointed or lose trust, it is what we feel or believe. It is not necessarily what the other person in whom we have lost trust believes. The concept of losing trust itself is a view point and one that is internal to us. If we look deeper, it is actually our disappointment with ourselves. We decide to trust that someone will do or not do something. If that person does not act in the way we want her/him to do, we end up getting disappointed and express it as losing trust. Why should someone act or behave in a way that we want them to do?
If I had this clarity earlier, I would have had a different conversation with my colleague. Also, the fact that I told him that he let me down, showed that internally, I was not willing to take accountability for the project not going well. It is different that I went to my manager and told him that things were not going well on this project and that I will have it on track within the next 2 weeks and that I take accountability. But, deep down inside me, I had not really taken accountability.
This kind of behaviour is what creates stress in all of us. We say things to others that are not in consonance with what we are or how we feel. The minute we start aligning all these and become aware of changes to how we feel during the course of the day, we end up taking more accountability for our words, thoughts and actions.
I will end this blog with two lovely quotes - “You may believe that you are responsible for what you do, but not for what you think. The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think." ― Marianne Williamson
“As for the journey of life; at some point you will realize that YOU are the driver and you will drive!” ― Steve Maraboli
