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Wednesday 30 September 2015

As I was picking flowers....

It had rained very heavily the previous night. The morning was cool and it was still dark. I went out to pick flowers. I had planted some flower bearing plants that had grown to 7 feet height and formed a barrier in front of my house. The plants, as I had said to myself while planting them years ago, would grow up to give me flowers and also filter the dust coming from the road in to the house. I thought that in return for doing this, I would water and nurture the plants daily. This was the deal that I had struck with the plants as I planted them.

Guess what...the plants neither needed my nurturing nor the water to grow. Even though I did this and also forgot to water them on few days, they got in alternate systems to source water and nourishment from under the ground and grew to be tall and sturdy.

As I picked the flowers today, my hands got really dirty. The dust and grime were what the plants were taking from the road and not allowing to get past in to the house. They had been doing their part of the bargain faithfully. As this thought crossed my mind, I was struck by something else. These plants had grown by themselves. They did not depend on me. They did not strike any bargain with me. They did not commit to me that they would stand there and protect my house from the dust and give me flowers. Yet, they did both of those and much more that I was not seeing or realizing. As far as these plants were concerned, there was no deal. This deal was only in my head. They stood there quietly, knew what was to be done to grow, knew when it was time to give flowers, took the dust on to themselves, gave away precious oxygen that human beings needed, gave food for insects, were a safe place for a cat to hide away her kitten till they grew up...and so much more. In all their stillness and calmness, they seemed to understand the reason for their existence. And, here I was, with the supposed 6th sense, trying to make a deal with these plants and most importantly, not knowing the reason for my existence.

Funny...and such is life. The so called smartest species does not know why it exists and all of the other so called dumb ones go about their lives knowing fully well what they need to do. Someone said that if all the insects in the world died, this planet would perish within 50 years. And, if all humans died, more species in this planets will survive in the next 50 years. So, not sure who are the smart ones.

Let us bring this concept to the work place. Just imagine working in an organization that does not know why it exists or the team that you work with not knowing why it exists and also why it does what it does. This is the Mission or Purpose Statement for Organizations or Teams. There are many organizations who believe they exist for some reason while they actually do for completely different reasons. It took a biscuit company decades to figure out that they were in the business of nutrition and not food. Not that they made poor quality biscuits because of that. However, its focus was on selling food items rather than good health to its customers. When the company realized this, it started off by selling biscuits fortified with vitamins and minerals. Their product lines are changing and the way they communicate to their customers and the public in general, has started changing. Most importantly, the employees now talk of nutrition instead of food.

Just think of the millions of people working in back offices of companies that have customers located thousands of miles away from their back offices. People working in these back-offices do not know who their customers are. They are given a process and told not to deviate - so, most of them know how to do the work but do not know why they are doing it. Just imagine a workforce not knowing why they actually are doing what they are doing on a day to day basis. How will they be able to relate the work that they are doing to the objectives of the organization? If they do not understand the big picture, we all know that their engagement levels will be lower.

There is so much damage caused if we do not understand the nature of our jobs and how it contributes to the organization.  What damage will all of us be doing to this world if we do not know why we were born and why we exist? This is the reality for most of us as we plod through life. There are many who find their calling in life and there are many more who just don't and die without ever having found out what was their true calling or why they came in to this world.

The best of leaders have always had an inspiring vision for their organization, have been able to communicate that vision effectively to the entire organization and made every member of their team understand how their work contributes to that vision.
Apart from making me understand the need for knowing why I existed, the plants were also trying to convey to me few other things regarding being contended in doing what comes naturally to me i.e. playing to my strengths. They gave away flowers, they gave away oxygen and they gave shade and protection. They were giving. For their existence and the support to the ecology, nature was working to ensure that the ground gave them the support to live.

So, if as humans, we knew why we were here and played our roles effectively, the world will work to ensure that we get what we need to live. The plants were telling me more now. Yes, they taught me how to live. They also were trying to convey to me that their needs were limited and could be received without paying any money.

As these thoughts went through me, I looked at these plants and asked questions to myself - What if I were to just be still as these plants (read as calmness inside me rather than physical stillness) and just be happy with what I am? Would it work? How are so many seekers in different parts of the world just happy being what they are and with minimum needs? Is this what is needed to be happy or contended? Was this happiness? 


The thoughts kept pushing me back to what Buddha said thousands of years ago. Let go of desires (maybe try and reduce them), let go of greed (again, maybe try and reduce it) and once we do that, we realize that happiness lies within each one of us. Any other kind of happiness seems to be transient. Similarly, being content resided in us. And it brings about a calmness inside that is all pervading. The plants had taught me so many lessons by their very existence.

Tuesday 1 September 2015

Mid-Life Crisis, Stressors or whatever name you call it....

Fifteen years had gone by since their wedding and Kaya felt worthless. Despite balancing a full day job and doing all the household work, she felt that her husband and children did not appreciate the grind she was going through every day. The chores just didn't seem to let up. If she didn't do few things at home, they never seemed to get done. What were all the others doing at home?

It was around this time that she met someone in office who was willing to listen to her and talk to her about her true worth. Rithvik discussed various things with her openly - whether it was life, office politics, decisions at work, etc. He seemed to value her judgement. He saw her as more than just an employee or colleague. But, what she did not know was that he himself was not in great shape with his personal life. He felt that his wife was a nag. How much ever he had achieved at office, she just seemed to be comparing him to his boss and feeling unhappy. Her constant bickering seemed to get to him. So, despite him loving his kids, he preferred to be on travel or go out for office engagements in the evenings. His kids hardly saw him and, therefore, felt he was not a family man. They felt that their mother was sacrificing too much.

It started with small reasons for Kaya and Rithvik to meet up or call or have something to discuss. It would invariably start off as an office topic and then quickly move on to other things. As this became more often, their intimacy grew. They reached a stage where they were not sure if they wanted to leave their families and start off a new life between themselves.  The pressure of giving up kids was taking its toll. Kaya's husband somehow sensed that his wife was not normal. He tried talking to her about it and after a very long struggle she had a conversation with him. Yes, it was all about him and children not appreciating her and the hard work that she put in. They decided to visit a psychiatrist. He was known to be a healer and talked of healing at the soul level.

The psychiatrist spoke to Kaya, her husband and the children. He talked of looking at each other not at their physical level but at the soul level. He said that if love is about giving and not just receiving, then she should not be worried about the family doing nothing for her. This struck the right chord in Kaya - Love is about giving. And true love does not get tired of giving. But, whilst the words meant a lot to her, she did not know how to implement it in real life.

Kaya decided that this was a chance that God was giving to her. So, as per what the psychiatrist said, she started logging down all the work she did and also how she felt while doing that. It was a painful task. Apart from doing all the chores, she now had to maintain a log. The log was initially not very descriptive. But, as few weeks went by, she started detailing out how she felt. The logging down of her anger, resentment and bitterness actually went a long way in reducing these. The logging down also meant spending lesser and lesser time on the phone and slowly but painfully weaning away from Rithvik.

Few months went by and the psychiatrist asked her to read her log out to her family. Kaya's husband and children broke down when they heard her read out her feelings. They felt terrible that they were not participating in the life of their loved one and now started appreciating her feelings and what she was going through. Things were beginning to get better.

Rithvik, on the other hand, was struggling. He neither could get out of the thoughts of Kaya nor could he live at peace with his wife. He tried talking to her to tell her to be happy with what they had instead of aspiring to get something else or be someone else. He said that they should visit a psychiatrist. But, his wife refused. So, he went to the same psychiatrist as Kaya and the process of healing started. But, this time, it had to do with how he should approach his wife and children.

Years had gone by and things had settled down in both families but Rithvik's wife could not forgive him for having strayed away from her even though she now understood that she was the reason to a large extent. Kaya's husband was having the same struggle.

This story is real and I am sure many will be able to resonate with this. It need not be another partner who came in to our lives...it could be someone or something else. Maybe a Guru or a Friend or a Child or a Cause. And that person/thing seems to take centre stage in our lives. You could possibly be just a spectator as you saw it unfold in someone else's life. We call this the mid-life crisis and some call it mid-life stressors.  Things that stress us tremendously and, many a time, beyond repair. What we need to notice here, according to Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev of Isha Foundation, are - Human relationships are variable and not an absolute. Secondly, they cannot be built on what we expect someone else to be or do. They will be or do what they want and not what you want. Thirdly, your life is a whole in itself. Somehow, we bring in others and imagine that our life is not full without them. Sadhguru asks, "When you are on your death bed, please ask your partner to come along with you because you are frightened to be alone." He continues that you will wish that you had guessed the answer long ago and led your life on your terms.

The spiritual way of viewing this would be to look at and understand that each of us is a soul - not the body or the mind. This is deep philosophy and we struggle to come to terms with this because we see our bodies and experience our minds. We neither see nor experience our soul. We don't even know if it exists let alone trying to figure out what is the learning that it wants that it took this body and mind. But, never mind all these. Just experience the difference in how it will make you feel if you consider that all of this is happening because we are a soul and these issues that we are facing are for a learning purpose. The minute we do that, all lines that separate us as physical beings blur. We are able to send out positive energy signals out to everyone. This includes our family members. Even to all those family members who we think have wronged us. Over a period of time, the healing happens from within - first in ourselves and then in relation to the others. We forget the anger. We sometimes don't even know why we were angry and with whom. We realize that the anger was more on ourselves than on the other person. Our understanding leads us to realize that we are accountable for our thoughts and our emotions.

“Each person has to face this challenge – you must search inside yourself. The props – surroundings, interactions, rituals, customs and superstitions – are just palliatives. You have to achieve your balance on your own; it has to come from the self. Once you get there, you can afford the luxury of lavishing your life with the pleasures of your drifting journey.” ― Andre AverbugThe Drifting Self: a novella

If we cannot forgive ourselves and heal from within, there is no question of forgiving others. Once we heal from within, there is no need to forgive anyone else as we take full accountability for our thoughts and emotions.