Fifteen years had gone by since their wedding and Kaya felt worthless. Despite balancing a full day job and doing all the household work, she felt that her husband and children did not appreciate the grind she was going through every day. The chores just didn't seem to let up. If she didn't do few things at home, they never seemed to get done. What were all the others doing at home?
It was around this time that she met someone in office who was willing to listen to her and talk to her about her true worth. Rithvik discussed various things with her openly - whether it was life, office politics, decisions at work, etc. He seemed to value her judgement. He saw her as more than just an employee or colleague. But, what she did not know was that he himself was not in great shape with his personal life. He felt that his wife was a nag. How much ever he had achieved at office, she just seemed to be comparing him to his boss and feeling unhappy. Her constant bickering seemed to get to him. So, despite him loving his kids, he preferred to be on travel or go out for office engagements in the evenings. His kids hardly saw him and, therefore, felt he was not a family man. They felt that their mother was sacrificing too much.
It started with small reasons for Kaya and Rithvik to meet up or call or have something to discuss. It would invariably start off as an office topic and then quickly move on to other things. As this became more often, their intimacy grew. They reached a stage where they were not sure if they wanted to leave their families and start off a new life between themselves. The pressure of giving up kids was taking its toll. Kaya's husband somehow sensed that his wife was not normal. He tried talking to her about it and after a very long struggle she had a conversation with him. Yes, it was all about him and children not appreciating her and the hard work that she put in. They decided to visit a psychiatrist. He was known to be a healer and talked of healing at the soul level.
The psychiatrist spoke to Kaya, her husband and the children. He talked of looking at each other not at their physical level but at the soul level. He said that if love is about giving and not just receiving, then she should not be worried about the family doing nothing for her. This struck the right chord in Kaya - Love is about giving. And true love does not get tired of giving. But, whilst the words meant a lot to her, she did not know how to implement it in real life.
Kaya decided that this was a chance that God was giving to her. So, as per what the psychiatrist said, she started logging down all the work she did and also how she felt while doing that. It was a painful task. Apart from doing all the chores, she now had to maintain a log. The log was initially not very descriptive. But, as few weeks went by, she started detailing out how she felt. The logging down of her anger, resentment and bitterness actually went a long way in reducing these. The logging down also meant spending lesser and lesser time on the phone and slowly but painfully weaning away from Rithvik.
Few months went by and the psychiatrist asked her to read her log out to her family. Kaya's husband and children broke down when they heard her read out her feelings. They felt terrible that they were not participating in the life of their loved one and now started appreciating her feelings and what she was going through. Things were beginning to get better.
Rithvik, on the other hand, was struggling. He neither could get out of the thoughts of Kaya nor could he live at peace with his wife. He tried talking to her to tell her to be happy with what they had instead of aspiring to get something else or be someone else. He said that they should visit a psychiatrist. But, his wife refused. So, he went to the same psychiatrist as Kaya and the process of healing started. But, this time, it had to do with how he should approach his wife and children.
Years had gone by and things had settled down in both families but Rithvik's wife could not forgive him for having strayed away from her even though she now understood that she was the reason to a large extent. Kaya's husband was having the same struggle.
This story is real and I am sure many will be able to resonate with this. It need not be another partner who came in to our lives...it could be someone or something else. Maybe a Guru or a Friend or a Child or a Cause. And that person/thing seems to take centre stage in our lives. You could possibly be just a spectator as you saw it unfold in someone else's life. We call this the mid-life crisis and some call it mid-life stressors. Things that stress us tremendously and, many a time, beyond repair. What we need to notice here, according to Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev of Isha Foundation, are - Human relationships are variable and not an absolute. Secondly, they cannot be built on what we expect someone else to be or do. They will be or do what they want and not what you want. Thirdly, your life is a whole in itself. Somehow, we bring in others and imagine that our life is not full without them. Sadhguru asks, "When you are on your death bed, please ask your partner to come along with you because you are frightened to be alone." He continues that you will wish that you had guessed the answer long ago and led your life on your terms.
The spiritual way of viewing this would be to look at and understand that each of us is a soul - not the body or the mind. This is deep philosophy and we struggle to come to terms with this because we see our bodies and experience our minds. We neither see nor experience our soul. We don't even know if it exists let alone trying to figure out what is the learning that it wants that it took this body and mind. But, never mind all these. Just experience the difference in how it will make you feel if you consider that all of this is happening because we are a soul and these issues that we are facing are for a learning purpose. The minute we do that, all lines that separate us as physical beings blur. We are able to send out positive energy signals out to everyone. This includes our family members. Even to all those family members who we think have wronged us. Over a period of time, the healing happens from within - first in ourselves and then in relation to the others. We forget the anger. We sometimes don't even know why we were angry and with whom. We realize that the anger was more on ourselves than on the other person. Our understanding leads us to realize that we are accountable for our thoughts and our emotions.
“Each person has to face this challenge – you must search inside yourself. The props – surroundings, interactions, rituals, customs and superstitions – are just palliatives. You have to achieve your balance on your own; it has to come from the self. Once you get there, you can afford the luxury of lavishing your life with the pleasures of your drifting journey.” ― Andre Averbug, The Drifting Self: a novella
If we cannot forgive ourselves and heal from within, there is no question of forgiving others. Once we heal from within, there is no need to forgive anyone else as we take full accountability for our thoughts and emotions.
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