The Path that your Child wants to Take...

When I saw my daughter as an extension, I had only instructions. When I saw her as an individual, we had conversations.

Parents always want the best for their children. So, there is no question of doubting their intent. But, many a time, enthusiasm gets the better of reason. So, as parents, we end up doing things that are not in the best interest of our children. Because I did not make it to the top Engineering College, I now want my child to make it there to study Engineering when s/he may not even be interested in a career in Science.

I must say that my dad gave all his children the option to study what we wanted. He just spoke to us on the importance of education and why it is better to get in to some of the better known colleges.  I never felt he was disappointed because I did not take the profession that he had. Not sure what would have happened if I had told him I want to be a footballer though.

The trouble starts when the parent sees that the child wants to take a profession that s/he feels will not make the child successful in life. And, of course, success is measured in terms of how much money s/he can make.

In India, many parents feel that if you study to become a doctor, engineer, chartered accountant, lawyer and few other such professions, you are fine. Else, the problem starts. I have met parents who are ashamed to say that their child is a singer, dancer, pot maker, farmer, security guard, courier delivery boy, plumber, driver, electrician, etc. Yet, over 90% of the people are not professionally qualified. They are happy with a degree or something lower and go about their lives. Yes, they may not make all the money, but they can live decently and with heads held high.

Don’t get me wrong. This article is not another one bashing money. In this world and age, there is a need for money as it gets you the things that you need for a comfortable living and also a feeling of security. It helps you pay for your child’s education. And based on where we live, different professions pay you different amounts of money. Such is life. However, we are born with certain intelligences. If we choose a profession that plays to our intelligence (or strength), we enjoy the work that we do. Does not mean we cannot choose another profession. But, we may not enjoy it as much. How many engineers or doctors became so out of their choice?

I was talking to a driver and he told me how he is finding it difficult to get married because not many wanted a husband who is a driver. I asked him as to what the problem was. He told me that it is not the amount of money that he makes. Educated girls (possibly degree holders) found it below their dignity to marry a driver. Most time, drivers are school drop outs in India. These girls do not want to marry an uneducated man. Added to that is the fact that they make lesser money. The fact that he is a very nice human being making a decent living is often overlooked. This holds equally good for women in low paid professions. There seems to be no premium for being a nice human being!!!

Money, social status, social acceptance, living comforts and such other external factors become the primary drivers for selection of a profession and not one that plays to the natural inclinations and strengths of the individual.

So, what happens when we are faced with this situation? Not an easy decision. But, if we remember the first sentence of this post that our children are not our extensions, it will go a long way in clearing our thoughts. It would be good to talk through all the options that the child has, her/his natural strengths and, therefore, what professions will be suitable. It would be good to get the child assessed for potential careers and let her/him choose one finally.

I got a call from a friend one day and he told me how his son wanted to play cricket and choose that as his career rather than continue studying beyond 12th Grade. He had spoken to his son few times but it had not worked. His son felt that if he made it to the top few in the Association that he played for, he stood a good chance to make it to the Indian Premier League (IPL) and that meant he was making enough money to manage. He wanted me to advice his son.

I had a meeting with his son and told him the various options he had in marketing, in cricket and in business management. I talked through the pros and cons of each of the options and what he had to do to make himself successful in all these options. I also made him articulate what are the risks related to each of these options. This got him thinking. Once he was clear he made his choice. I believe that this is a better way and it has worked for me quite a few times. Talk through the different options with your child, give time for things to sink in. Talk on working to an individual’s strengths and making a living versus doing something to make money and then spending some time on your real passion. Talk on the pros and cons…leave the decision to the child. These are decisions that the individual has to take by herself/himself. But, this is so tough when it comes to your child. If s/he wants to be security guard (and please don't mistake me as someone who thinks that the profession of a guard is below one’s dignity) and you believe that s/he could have made an amazing neuro surgeon making tons of money, the struggle is very high. However difficult, it is best for the child to make that decision.

I stood at the airport and waved goodbye to my daughter, as she started off a new path in her life. I felt a part of me was being ripped out. I felt choked as tears welled up in my eyes. It took me back 31 years – I saw myself comforting my dad. He had dropped me off at the airport. I was about to start a new life in a foreign land. I saw him choke up and did not understand it fully. Today, as I stood at the airport, I could hear him talking to me from the Heavens, “Son, this is exactly how I felt 31 years ago.” Yes, children are not our extensions, but somehow, life seems to intertwine us inextricably to them and as the bird prepares to fly out, we just struggle. That is love and life. Each one of us has a path and we must decide on that.

I will end with a quote from an unknown that I came across in family.com “Our challenge as parents and our privilege are to love the unfolding reality of our child, stage by stage and layer by layer.”