Tolerance

I was discussing with a friend of mine whether the Indian family system of taking care of elderly parents and grandparents at home was better than letting them live on their own or in an old age home.  Whether the Indian system of taking care of their physical, emotional and financial needs by making them stay at home till they passed away was better than letting them live alone and fend for themselves.  Societies in the US and Europe and Australia seem to have got a clear way where each one cares for himself/herself.  Some are less fortunate and so the Government has to pay for part of their bills and so, the condition in which they live are not always the best.  In India, we do not have a social security system and the family takes on that role.  Somehow, I see this as equivalent of self-help and people do not need to depend on the Government to take care of their elderly.

With life expectancy moving up all over the world, elderly care is something that needs thought.  While they may need help on the physical and financial fronts, they will definitely need help on the emotional front.  More so, if they have lost their partner.

We seem to not have tolerance for the lack of speed of reaction of elders.  This causes stress both in us as well as the elders living with us.  While some of the elders come with years of baggage in their heads, I have always found it useful to set clear expectations without hurting the person.  After all, when we were young, these same elders set ground rules for us.  It is now time for them to follow ground rules.  This is where problems arise.  Some see us as children setting ground rules for them and some learn to accomodate and live, though with a lot of disagreements.  So, how do we handle this situation? Is it better to make them live on their own or would it be good to be with them?

These are difficult questions.  The advantage of having our elders live with us include tapping in to their experiences so that we do not re-invent the wheel everytime.  Others include the fact that they enjoy spending time with our children, telling them bed time stories, playing with them, helping them in their studies, talking to them about our culture, teaching them a way of life that is fast disappearing in India.  The problems that come along are that the elders find it difficult to adjust to some of the modern day realities and could become sarcastic, some do not want to do anything but sit and watch TV all through the day, some have physical or mental disabilities that are better looked after in a hospital or through full time care.  Apart from all this, some of us believe that they have become a burden on us.

I have been observing situations that many have faced and come up with my conclusion that it is best to keep them with us if possible or to get them to stay with their age group relatives but keep them close to our homes so that we can spend time with them daily.  We need to spend time daily with our elders, listen to them with patience, not to be judgemental and heed their advice as it comes with years of experience.  For this, we need not only to love them as our own but also have tolerance as their physical and mental abilities are not as quick as they used to be.  This tolerance is absolutely critical in our lives for as we grow up, we need to be tolerant to our next generations.  If we show this tolerance, the Universe will come back and pay us back with the same tolerance that we deserve when we become "the elders".